Life is a Performance

Hello, I recently noticed I have been dreading going to work and have insomnia the night before to the point I can’t function the next day and have to call in sick. I keep telling myself I don’t like my job. They are making us do too much. I can’t know it all. It feels like I am a victim and they are just making my life miserable.

Here is my model:

C: Job

T: I have to perform

F: Pressure

A: Tell myself I don’t want to go to work because of all the things they make me do (play victim); when at work I spin in my head with thoughts like I don’t want to be here, this is too much; I can’t handle this (play victim some more); avoid answering phones, hope no one asks for my help; look busy and avoid making eye contact; fear someone will ask me something I don’t know; complain to my husband why I don’t like my job and want to quit; blame him for forcing me to stay there because of money; judge him for being materialistic; blame my business for not working; feel rush and pressure in coaching business to create clients; feel needy and graspy when talking to potential clients; I don’t acknowledge what I do know; I’m trying to change my circumstance instead of realizing it’s my thought; I don’t tell myself what I know is enough; not having fun; not relaxed; not seeing the value I bring with what I do know; not focusing on who I am being; think knowledge equates to value; afraid I will get in trouble and lose job if I don’t know

R: I don’t enjoy my own act

Hello coaches. Can you help me with my R line? Is there any other result I am creating? I do see it’s not my job. It’s the internal pressure I put on myself to know it all. I’m thinking being perfect is the only way I will keep my job and where I am at is not enough. I’m not ok to admit I don’t know something because I believe I have no value if I don’t know. I am very much stuck in my head as to where I think my value comes from. I don’t see the value of being me. I don’t accept myself where I am and place pressure to be at a higher level. I don’t give credit to myself for all I know. I don’t celebrate or enjoy myself. I don’t understand it’s ok to not know things and it means nothing about my value.  I don’t recognize my calmness, personality and ability to listen to others. My genuine care and concern for others hold no value to me. I’ve been spinning in this since yesterday afternoon. After writing this model and doing self coaching, I now feel a deep sense of peace.

I’m beginning to see more models where I am placing pressure on myself to perform. I’m becoming curious hours after the fact that I’m trying to change my C line. What’s going on? What feeling am I avoiding? Takes a while for me to admit to myself that I feel pressure. I don’t want to acknowledge that I don’t know things. This makes total sense since I equate perfection to being valued and worthy. I normally spin in hopelessness that I am stuck at a job I don’t like. Any tips on how I can increase my awareness and start catching this earlier especially the night before, so I can start to sleep better?

Thank you.