Life without buffering


So, when I’m not buffering I’m left with…my life. I am starting to see a strange way in which buffering has been serving me – as long as I’m engaged in behavior that I don’t like, I have something to “work on.” I can see more clearly how I *like* having something to work on. It’s as if it gives me a feeling of hope that there’s somewhere to “get,” and if I “finally lose the weight” or “finally start the business,” that life will be great. I get to hold on to this hope that happiness is out there to be found.

Now…when I imagine my life without the buffering behaviors, I actually get some anxiety. Because then there’s nothing to fix. And I’m just left with life. I’m just left with the reality that my experience on this earth is finite, and this is what it looks like. I feel like I come face to face with the idea that time is precious, and what the actual hell am I doing with it? I’m certainly not doing much of anything to *enjoy* it. I’m constantly trying to GET somewhere.

Being left in the stark reality that “this is my life” is really uncomfortable, and makes me want to buffer. There is so much coming up for me. I can also see how I hold myself back from getting close to people, because I’m waiting for the next big change to happen in my life, where I’ll finally accomplish my goals and move on. All of these realizations are quite acutely painful.

I believe that I can handle the way they feel. I think I must be resisting it somewhat, because they feel almost too big to process, but I can see that that is a thought. I’m afraid to feel the reality of the present – so I keep trying to “fix myself,” and keep buffering. I’m just writing here because I’m noticing how afraid I am of the feeling, and how much I want to stop myself from experiencing it. Is this even normal? I feel like I have “big scary existential crisis-y feelings” whereas others just have “a bit of anxiety.” This is kind of linked to the story I have that something is wrong with me, and that if I go deeply into my feelings, that I might not be able to get out of them.

Do you have any advice for how to handle this kind of thing? Is it ALWAYS safe to feel my feelings? How do I know if I’m resisting, or if I’m allowing?