Life worse now models

Hello coaches! In day 2 homework I discovered some thoughts that my life is worse now. I ranked my past self (~10 yrs ago) as an 8 and my current self as a 4. Mainly because I had more external validation – more income (corporate job vs own biz now that’s not yet making the profit I need to afford my recurring bills) and a romantic partner / more dates. I’ve now been single for 3 years and gone on very few dates.

I tried to do my journal on why my life may be better now but brain kept coming back to trying to convince me that it isn’t.

Interestingly, I did my decade review a few days ago and came up with plenty of ways I grew in that time. None of this negativity came up then.

Here are my models. My IM feels good enough but would love any advice and input! I was kind of surprised my thoughts offer that it was such a dramatic slide down. I know my negative self talk is pretty bad but this angle is pretty new (and yes – I do love finding new ways my brain tries to sabotage me 😎)

c: ranked present self a 4, past self 8

t: i fucked it up – I‌ threw away good things to be lazy and pretend to have a business [one of the reasons i wanted a business is to have more flexibility in schedule for fun things]

f: shame

a: not have confidence in my abilities – kind of show up, not go all in, thinking about past with rose-colored glasses, lots of negative self-talk, not be vulnerable about my feelings, not allow others in, not build close relationships, not put myself out there for dating or any other connection, have superficial conversations

r:‌ I‌ am not creating a life that’s better than my prior one

other t’s:

i don’t want to work hard and hard work is necessary for success
i want to have it all – i’m delusional – i want to play and have fun (or more realistically just smoke pot and be lazy) and make a lot of money and have a man who loves me. in what kind of fucked up universe do you think that exists?‌
i’m pretending that hard work doesn’t matter and digging myself into a hole of poverty
i was given every chance and opportunity and i threw them all away to smoke pot and play candy crush
[I do smoke pot and play candy crush as a way to unwind]

t: I‌ think that my life used to be better and that’s okay
f: acceptance
a:‌ allow myself to feel the shame, process it, not try to buffer it away or hide
r:‌ i allow myself to move forward despite how i feel about my progress

other t’s:
i’m learning to recognize that external validation isn’t the only metric of progress
i’m open to the idea that the path i’ve been on is the perfect one for me
i think that my life used to be better and that’s okay
just because i struggle to recognize my growth doesn’t mean that it’s not there
despite my thoughts about my past trajectory, I‌ get to create whatever I want