Liking your reasons


I’m a deputy director at a health department, and the director plans to leave next month. I will be asked to serve as director. I do not want the job.

I have reasons that I like and I know there’s 50/50 in any job, but as the time draws near, I’m having thoughts like I’m being chicken, I just don’t want to feel discomfort and I would take it if I were a stronger, smarter woman. I intellectually know that I could do the job, but I’m so used to my brain yelling at me that the only reason I do or don’t do anything is because I’m not confident enough. I don’t even know what it’s talking about, but it’s loud. I don’t like the reason of being scared to not take the job. I also don’t like that I seem to be waiting to beat myself up about that, if I don’t take the job (maybe it’s already started!). I can’t even evaluate my reasons anymore. I seem to think one of them is ‘true’ and I need to figure out which one it is.

One added element is that it will be difficult for me to stay in my current position and decline the director job due to practice and politics here, so I will be out of a job. I have an emergency fund and know I can get another job, but I definitely want my thoughts cleaned up before I interview for new opportunities. Can you suggest a model to start with or any other guidance? Thank you!