Lockdown pleasure seeking

Feeling shame and beating myself up today for my behaviour last night.

C. Limited my drinking to the weekend as I’ve been over drinking in lockdown. Friday night had two and a half glasses of red wine with hubby. Hubby goes to bed at 22.30.
T: I want to relax I’ll stay up
F: indulgent?
A: have a Mars ice cream, watch addictive trash tv, this pleasure leads me to drink 2 more small glasses of wine (I even open another bottle!) I decide to eat Crackers with cream cheese and doritos with cream cheese and eat unconsciously until all cream cheese gone , I drink coffee and decide dark chocolate would be nice with it, I finish the packet, when the tv episode finishes I watch another despite it being 12pm. I watch another episode.
R: I go crazy and seek pleasure despite negative consequences. I go to bed at 1pm.

Decision points:
I decided ahead of time to drink at weekend freely by I loose the ability to control myself after 2 glasses when the alcohol kicks in.

To eat ice lolly: it’s Friday, I’ve been good with my food all week, I deserve an ice lolly
T. I fancy some cheese and Crackers
T. Chocolate will taste good with my coffee
T. I want to find out what happens in the next episode

Negative consequences
I can’t get up with my kids at 6am and have to ask hubby to do it so I can sleep in
I can’t sleep in and beat myself up
I feel hungover all day
I’m tired all weekend and don’t enjoy the time with my family as much
I’m grumpy and don’t show up as the mum I want to be
I damage my body
I don’t achieve my goals to not over drink a d to loose weight in lockdown
I’m driving 2 hours to see my dad for first time in lockdown on Sunday now I’ll be over tired and won’t show up as my best self
I’ll have to go to bed early a few nights to catch up sleep to be able to parent well

Before lockdown I had stopped over drinking but it’s something I’ve done regularly in the past either to relax and have fun at home or to avoid emotions during therapy or after stressful work or parenting days. Staying up late drinking and eating has become more common in lockdown mainly at weekends. Either to relax or to deal with stress at work. I feel restricted in lockdown, I have limited places to go only for walks, I can’t see friends and family, nothing is open. We had a staycation last week and I spent half the time thinking this is no fun and mourning holidays, imagining what I should be doing.

Past success
In Oct 2019 until January 2020 I stopped drinking and loved the results in my life. This week I started an urge jar and during the week I have no problem resisting urges floor wine and food, there don’t seem to be emotions with the urge. I feel so proud when I see all the blocks in the urge jar

New decisions ahead of time
I hoped I didn’t have to give up alcohol but I’m done. I don’t want these negative consequences in my life.

I will not drink any alcohol. Occasionally , once a month I will allow myself an exception only if I’ve planed it 24 hours ahead of time. For an exception I will either have one glass of wine only or as many tonic waters with gin as I like but with a tiny bit of gin.
I don’t find this hard and know my compelling why. Somehow tonic water in a wine glass feels enough.
I need to explore my beliefs about what I deserve in holidays weekends and evenings. My thoughts about having fun and relaxing can cause me to feel miserable when my husband cycles and is not with us or I want every moment or a holiday or bday to be special and fun. Or I deserve to relax and enjoy myself or seek pleasure in the evenings. I have lots of enjoyment in my life especially when I look after myself. Currently I have me time for a run and yoga every morning and I’m learning more yoga to help me prepare for my pregnancy yoga teacher training. These beliefs are holding me back and making me experience disappointment and sadness. Like somehow every other family is having a better weekend but actually my family life is pretty awesome. I’ve never wanted to do the boring stuff.. paying bills. Getting insurance etc I need to embrace the balance.

Thanks for your feedback to this essay!!!