Longtime Jealousy

Brooke- I just joined scholars this April 2018. I ordered the Self Coaching 101 book about 8 months ago and never finished. Also have watched your videos here and there. The past hear has been the most difficult in my 54 years. I want to improve myself, rid myself of negative thoughts etc….
Jealousy has always been a part of my life. It’s tough to say this out loud. I have always been very, very private with my jealousy due to shame and embarrassment. I know it is so very wrong and I continue to struggle, I also try not to be and pray.
I continue to work on myself and move forward from my childhood but have often wondered if it was something I possibly learned from my mom. My mom was jealous of everything! Clothes, cars, houses, my dad…… You name it! I even have memories of her physically attacking my dad in her jealous rages. This is not blame just a fact of our life growing up. History.
My jealously is mainly with my husband. He is such a kind, loving and generous man. He has never been flirtatious or any other type of behavior that would want for me to act so jealous. Once my thoughts start with the jealousy. I feel I cannot hold back!!!! It is an emotional and physical reaction. (Physical within myself) If I see someone attractive and I see him notice them I’m jealous. Of course we all notice attractive people, right!? I have been jealous of someone in a movie, a magazine cover, a waitress, someone at a concert…. you name it! I have not gone to concerts, beaches etc… due to my issue of jealousy. I have ruined good times with my jealousy. My husband is aware of my jealousy and tries to be accommodating. It is not something we even talk about-its just there… As I mentioned I am extremely ashamed and embarrassed and have never spoke to a soul in my life about this life time issue!
I also have thoughts that I am so jealous due to my own lack of self confidence. I have never been confident in myself ever! I cannot even accept a compliment. I have no logical reason to feel this way. I would be described as an attractive person and I have always been thin. I have bloomed to a size 6 in my 50’s. Even on days when I feel “hey I look good and feel good” I cannot seem to keep up the momentum.
History: My mom was physically and very verbally abusive to myself and siblings. Example: “what’s wrong with your hair? go do something with it or you’re not leaving this house! get that S*** off your face you look ridiculous! tuck your shirt in! ” She once punched me in the mouth in a dressing room because I did not like the prom dress she had picked out. Lots of crazy. So, I often wonder??? My siblings also suffer the confidence area. As I mentioned I do not understand or know if these two areas are intertwined.
I hope this is somewhat clear as its an uneasy note for me to send.
I want to thank you for your clear delivery on the videos I have watched and for the honesty you reveal of yourself!

Many blessings,