Here is what I’m dealing with…
Until about 4 years ago, I was always 135-140 pounds. Even after giving birth to my twin boys, I was back to that weight and physically fit within 8 months. I had a career in fitness for about a decade. For as long as I can remember, I had body image issues. My mom always talked negatively about her own body, and I picked that behavior right up for myself! I was never happy with how I looked and always obsessing over my body, my food, my exercise. I stayed at that same weight my entire adult life. Even after my divorce (at 31 years old), I kept the weight steady. Throughout dating, I kept the weight steady. Through my re-marriage, I kept the weight steady. And then I started to gain. (I have dealt with the underlying issues of this weight gain and understand why I turned to eating/drinking at that time. I feel good about where I am in that area.) Eventually, I came to love and respect my body at its current size/weight, which I would NEVER have done before. I have plenty of days that I feel beautiful, even at this current weight. But I still know that I’d like to lose weight for vanity and health reasons… So, last August got more serious about my workouts and nutrition and I started losing again. I’m down about 20 pounds with about 30 to go to get to the old 140 mark. BUT I find myself telling myself that I don’t think I can lose any more. That this is my new set point weight. That I am just not meant to be 140 pounds. While I somewhat believe this, I also know that it’s probably some deeper fears/beliefs talking.
I think I may be afraid to really commit to losing more weight, even though I would really like it. I’d love to be a size six again, but with that comes all the body loathing and constant scrutiny. People watching me to see if I gain it all back again. Constantly having to count every calorie and obsess about what I eat and how much I exercise. I don’t know if it’s possible to be 140 pounds and in shape again without making it my ENTIRE LIFE. Everything used to revolve around my weight. My self-worth was so tied to that number and how I looked. I don’t want to go back to that place. I don’t want people to pay attention to me or applaud me for something that’s just surface appearance. But at the same time, I totally want to lose the weight so I can not get skin tags under my arms (gross!), be able to lift my leg up to tie my shoe without turning my knee out to the side, lose the divots in my shoulders from how heavy my boobs are, etc. I am logically aware that I am feeling and thinking these things, and they are definitely holding back my progress to lose any more weight, but I’m not sure where to go from here because I’m not sure how to un-program these thoughts. I could look at other people and say “Well, SHE lives a life at a smaller size and healthy weight, and SHE doesn’t obsess about it all the time,” but then I will immediately think that SHE is not ME. I know how my mind was. I can’t know how her mind is/was. I think I am also leery of making big sacrifices in my nutrition and then not seeing the results/rewards of those sacrifices. Sort of the thought of “If I’m not going to lose weight, I might as well eat the stuff I really want to eat instead of this healthier stuff.” So much mind-fuckery going on around this subject… I really want to get past this and find a way to lose the weight, keep it off, love my body and NOT obsess about it all the time.
Thanks in advance for you magical, unicorn-like wisdom. 😉
