Losing last few pounds before vacation – part 2

Hi Coaches –

I have been on a weight loss journey and am down to the last few pounds. I had been pretty happy with my fasting window and my protocol, and wanted to hit my goal weight before I leave for vacation. One of the coaches on here suggested I look at the idea – what if someone offered me a million dollars to achieve my goal weight before vacation, what would I think? I did find that inspiring in the moment, however something has been triggered in me (a thought, I know). It’s like as soon as I put that date on there, I had thoughts that made me feel like I was in “diet mode”. Thoughts like “this is unsustainable” and “I’m going to do anything to lose these last few pounds” and “I shouldn’t be this hungry” or “this isn’t a complete meal”. I know these are all just thoughts. I have a history of disordered eating (another thought, I know), and thoughts like these well practiced thoughts above really triggered me into diet mode. As a result, I haven’t been enjoying protocol, and haven’t been eating on it. I feel as though the action I took was to restrict my food, and that action caused me to have thoughts about rebelling against protocol. As a result, I’m up in weight. I want to explore this, since I believe that there is something important to learn in here.

C Desire to hit goal weight before vacation
T I’ll do anything to hit this goal weight
F Tight, constricted, forced, regimented
A Plan to eat less food than previously, eat more liquid food (like soup), get into diet mode (what is diet mode to me? A pattern of thinking that is forceful, disciplinarian, “you better eat what I say” kind of energy, it’s not loving, and it has also never worked), have thoughts like ‘this is unhealthy and unsustainable’
R hmmmm I think my model is mixed

Below is more accurate I think:

C Desire to hit goal weight before vacation
T You better stick to this diet perfectly and lose those last few pounds – or else (that’s more accurate)
F Determination, fueled by fear and scarcity
A Make a strict protocol, speak to myself with an authoritarian fear voice, threaten myself, make it mean I’m a failure if I don’t hit the goal, expect myself to eat less and sit with hunger more (which seems to be okay when it comes from a different energy), become obsessed with the scale and weigh multiple times a day, just total diet mentality
R I don’t stick to the diet perfectly and I actually gain weight

Then, I rebel against this model.

C Desire to hit goal weight before vacation
T This isn’t sustainable
F Scarcity
A Eat off plan, little sneaks here and there
R I don’t sustain protocol

Okay. This is still foggy, but getting more clear. I think something switched in my mindset from “I love how I’m eating and can do this forever” to “I have to go on a diet to lose this weight before holiday”.

I do feel better that I can see this. But like, I would feel so good if I hit goal before holiday. I think maybe I have to feel that way now? This diet mentality stuff is the problem, it’s just like it slipped back in. I guess it’s not a problem, it’s just a practiced pattern of thought.

I would like to believe that it’s possible to hit my goal weight before vacation, but right now I’m making it mean that I’m a huge failure if I don’t hit that goal. Actually, I’m making it mean that the model doesn’t work. I want to hit that goal, and I want to go for it, but I also feel like once I make it mean something awful if I don’t, I go into scarcity mode, which triggers diet thinking, which triggers eating off-plan. Is this making sense?

Can someone help me see where to go from here with this?