Hello! This urge jar has been revolutionary in my life. I am on day 24 of allowing urges and following my protocol and I think this is the longest I have gone in my life without overeating. I’m impressed and proud of myself and can feel my entire life and confidence changing. Feeling the feelings has been interesting and being an observer to my thoughts is amazing (wow the thoughts that are so convincing!!). I am still experiencing thoughts such as “Life is so sad and dull and boring without food.”, but I am allowing the feeling and continuing with my protocol no matter what. I also have started to leave a couple of “angel bites” at the end of each meal because I have an intense attachment to eating everything on my plate. I am always satisfied when I leave these bites so I am not being overly restrictive, but I believe this is a good exercise and practice for myself. It was difficult at first, but it is getting much easier and I am able to discard food now without feeling like crying.
However, yesterday I had some very strong emotions that took me by surprise. My son had just finished a track meet and was hungry and all I had was a bag of raw veggies that was planned as part of my dinner that I was going to eat when arriving home. I offered him the veggies and he was happily eating them (and crunching very loudly!) and I started feeling so much anxiety inside! I was literally screaming inside that he was eating my food. I then started to feel resentment that I couldn’t just eat “whatever I want” and that he was eating my protocol food and it wasn’t even going to be as fun as what he was going to eat when we arrived home. I wasn’t even hungry but I felt such loss. Intellectually I know that there is an abundance of veggies and I can go get more if he ate it all, but I felt so much panic. I dont want to have this irrational attachment to food anymore. Especially when it happens with my children (I have a REALLY hard time sharing food with them or eating family style) I feel very ashamed and like a bad mother. This shame/guilt then leads to thoughts that I should just forget about trying to control my overeating and just eat whatever I want because maybe I won’t feel so attached to my food. But really that’s a lie because I have always been this attached to food since childhood.
When I got home I still stayed on protocol for my dinner and didn’t binge (like I would have in the past), but went to bed feeling sad and wondering whether I will have these feelings forever. Does it go away eventually if I keep allowing the experience of these feelings? Can you help me with a new way to think about these situations?
Thank you very much.