I sometimes find my tolerance for the volume of my children or their very active bodies that often like to touch, hit, rub, bang into, pet, poke, lean into me, or just generally flail around in my vicinity sometimes hitting me our other child, is thin.
I’m not sure this is completely controllable with a model/new thought, but this is my best effort below.
I’m wondering if I am missing anything. I would so like to quietly cuddle with my girls, talk, play some quiet game. They are very active and high volume people, I think.
C: Children loud talking, yelling or yell-singing
A: ask or direct my children in various ways to lower their volume, feel like a bad parent
R: I’m not enjoying them. Concerned I might hurt their feelings (which maybe is not a thing according to the model, but still seems it could happen).
C: 7 y/o daughter kicking legs and swinging body around close to me and 4 y/o daughter, she has already knocked over some of younger daughters toys and swinging pillow close to younger daughter’s head, legs move quickly by me as she’s swinging her body around in jerky movements.
T: stop! She is going to hurt me or younger daughter
A: move her body, block so she doesn’t hit other daughter, remove pillow from her hands that she is swinging around and hitting things with, walk away. Worry that she is a person who does not care about harming others.
R: I am not creating a warm relationship with my older daughter. I feel uneasy around her at times.
C: quickly moving bodies and loud volume voices
T: what could I tell myself to feel appreciative of this moment? Maybe just ask myself, what could I appreciate about this moment?
F: appreciation (and fear)
A: take a deep breath
R: I feel more connected with my girls
I’m realizing after I wrote this, that I have a model for them that they be quiet, though I’m not sure that’s exactly it…. I do prefer quiet to ongoing loud and if there were other, non-children, in my life I would probably just choose not to hang out with them, or I would hang out with them, enjoy it for a while and then go home. Since they are my children, I am around them a lot. It’s not that I feel they have to be quiet, as my children. I’m not overly embarrassed by their loudness; I think their high energy will serve them one day. It’s not that I think they should be different as people. I do believe the should be exactly as they are and I love them as they are. I just have a hard time with long duration high volume and sharp movements close to my face. I’ve been hit in the face and my glasses have broken before. I do not see them as doing any of this intentionally, mostly they are not trying to harm me nor speak unkindly (that happens from time to time, but a separate matter). It just seems a matter of volume and movement preference mis-match.
I do try to go outside with them a lot and I don’t mind the high volume and kind of spastic movements as much when there is more space to absorb them.
I do engage them in things that decrease volume, talk to them quietly to decrease volume, go outside, and take periods when I can tolerate it more or for some time. We have a loud – voices in rooms with doors closed or outside policy, but now that they are home most of the day it’s hard to expect them to be quiet all day long.
I’m wondering what else I could see here?