I feel I have lied through omission of full detail to be accepted and maintain a relationship with 2 siblings who pretty much hate each other. I love them both. I listen to both sides and I say words to hopefully help each of them see the other one’s point of view.
I think both sides have a point but I am more aligned with my sister. By staying neutral am I lying or acting out of love to help both of them perhaps forgive each other? Self-coaching scholars has me thinking that people pleasing means lying. I am a lier by not being totally frank with each side.
I see the point of people pleasing = lying. But what is being frank going to get me in this situation? Would it be acting out of kindness to call people out on what is “my thought only” that each is wrong and both need to see the situation as grey instead of black and white, forgive and move on?
Being in relationship with both because I love them both is my goal and yet I understand I am intentionally lying by holding back my full thoughts. I am trying to show up out of love. If I say exactly what I think to my sister it would be: “You have been treated cruelly but you are choosing to be a victim and cutting people out of your life isn’t helpful in your healing (she has ruminated on the argument for years). I have overcome the same cruelty by dropping the fight, forgiving, and staying in touch letting my brother know I chose to disagree with him.
If I had to be 100% honest to my brother I would say ” You are a total bully, why didn’t you just listen and be open to my sister and I without making it your life crusade to guilt us and treat us (now just her) like shit for having memories of abuse? Your refusal to listen and tell my parents she is crazy was the biggest problem here, not her words.”
By maintaining contact with my brother, my sister feels I have left her alone as the family scapegoat and not forcing my brother to look at the possibility of my father abusing us. Five years ago I told my brother, “I am sorry how everything panned out, at this point.” I wish I would have kept my accusations to myself and I think he needs to stop blaming my sister as I brought up accusations too.
He says “But you say you’re sorry for the pain you brought the family and she refuses to apologize for how much pain she brought mom and dad.” Do I continue to go after him about how I think he caused pain to mom and dad by making it all into such a crusade to ignore the possibility of abuse and defend my father as perfect?
To push the point that ignoring and belittling someone for memories is cruel. I have asked repeatedly why he now talks to me and not my sister, why he holds onto making her a villain, why he forgives me, that all 3 of us had equal share in the pain inflicted on my parents and the deterioration of our family.
I really don’t know what to do here. I feel like my sister is unfair in saying she won’t be in a relationship with me if I am in a relationship with my brother. I feel like I am in a false relationship with my brother because he forgives me and not my sister which isn’t fair to my sister.
So do I cut him off out of solidarity with my sister? I think that is cruel. I continue to let him know I love and respect my sister as much as I love and respect him and that doesn’t bother him apparently because he maintains contact with me. He knows not to speak ill of my sister to me and does not anymore.
Now his son is getting married and I would like to go to the wedding in September but my sister is not being invited. Am I a traitor to go? How can I keep loving both my siblings if my sister wants me to take a stand against my brother until he apologizes for his role in the family pain and acknowledges the possibility that her memories could be true?
Does me loving my brother mean I am a lier because I chose to be in a relationship with someone who I fundamentally disagree with in regard to our family past? This is too much to unpack. If you could give me a few models to get me thinking I would appreciate the help. I have been taking this to my coaching calls but I am not getting too far.
Am I being blind to something in regard to the people pleasing concept? I think it is honorable to be loving to both siblings but am I being disrespectful by just dropping the fight to move on??