The last time I was physical or romantic with someone was in 2019. I have desire for loverships and I notice an unwillingness to do anything about it right now. I’ve been in Scholars for 3 months and I’ve focused on entrepreneurship and money. When I think about also taking consistent actions towards dating (online sites, apps, flirting) I don’t think I have the bandwidth to deal with dating rejection and business rejection concurrently. I believe I’ll feel overwhelmed by dating rejection + all the mind and emotional management as I show up for my business. The overwhelm would then have me stop taking actions on both dating AND growing my coaching biz to 6 figures this year. My priority hands-down is money and business.

And I long for physical affection. I desire a lover or lovers to come over every other night and cuddle, chat, watch TV, play. If I had the disposable income, I’d hire a male companion and fulfill that desire. Easy peasy. And since the funds are not available to work with an escort, I don’t want to sort through all the possible men I’d have to and manage all those emotions with online dating and working thru my fears of offline dating. If I were to try to show up for dating, I wonder if this could be a buffer to growing my capacity to focus on earning really well and get my business where I want it.

The whole dating thing also feels urgent when I hear of friends having their own sexual and romantic escapades. I feel like I should be getting some action too. I know this is not a productive thought and I’m not so much worried about this one since I know how to manage envy really well. I’m also just naming what else is present.

I would love to have both sexual intimacy, but as I said, I don’t think I have the capacity right now to show up for both work and love.