Love my husband and can not live with him anymore


I am at the place in my marriage where I think we are done, so to speak… And I am very sad about it. My husband is very kind, handsome, tall, sexy, loves animals, even spiders and flies, and at the same time when he comes home and sees that there is a little dirt by the fireplace or I put up a wall rug on the wall without “consulting” him, he gets very vocal and uses words that I still can not get used to, and rips off those rugs or whatever I did. It is like a tug-of-war game that he plays with me, trying to control and boss me around, all of these are my thoughts, I do realize that, although if I were to record what he says and brought to a judge, he would probably get convicted for emotional abuse if there is such thing.

Anyway, I allowed it for the longest time, why does it bother me now? Because I want to be with someone different, that is easier to love. I want to walk into my home and not be yelled at, or ridiculed or called names. We recently took vacations separately, that was the best time of my life. We missed each other and talked every hour, but the minute he got back and saw my home improvement, he blew up and now we are in separate rooms, not talking. But this time I don’t want to “make up”, I am dreaming of a different life and relationship, and this is no longer OK. I know that these are manuals and neither of us is willing to drop them, me in particular. In my manual “real man doesn’t get all crazy about petty shit”, “real man makes money”, “real man does man things, and does not stick his nose in pots and rugs”. I saw a man like that and I know they exist, and my husband will never be the one, and I have a tough time accepting this and being around it. So, what do I need help with ? I know Brooke’s suggestion to fall in love again and then leave if you want to. It breaks my brain, because in my mind I have to sleep with him again, and make up and then it will be like a vicious cycle. Because, if I start thinking thoughts on purpose, I will create feeling of love and my actions will bring me back to him, but then it will happen again – he will be him and I will be back to square one.

The fact that I am feeling so sad and torn right now, probably is the sign that I am not at the point of “completion” in this relationship. I want to disappear, escape, move, to feel a relief, and this is the sign of me not being there yet. How do I get there? What does the beautiful divorce look like? My first divorce was awesome but I did not love my husband, it was natural and easy. This one is different, he was the love of my life, and I still love him, it’s just living with him became very challenging for me. Thank you.