I feel so much shame even typing out this title. The thought causing that feeling is that I want to be loyal and honest with my husband and I don’t want to be a deceitful person in general.

My husband is an alcoholic. He knows it but he is not ready to take the steps to get sober. Beyond that, he has a LOT of social anxiety and when he is sober (in brief stints) he feels so anxious and so much self loathing that he is not his best self. On top of all of this, he is going to grad school and working long hours and when he is free, he craves alone time or time doing things I have no interest in. We’ve always been pretty independent but now that we have a 2 year old, that leaves me with little to no time to myself. His suggestion was for me to start going out once a week with friends after bedtime (but he never wanted to come).

Eventually, I gave up asking him and really started to enjoy my time out with friends. Eventually I started to feel deep feelings for one of the friends, and after some time it became apparent that he felt the same.

We both struggled so greatly since we didn’t want to feel these things because I am married with a child. I decided I needed space and wanted to work on my marriage but things did not get better and I felt truly at a standstill when my husband told me he didn’t want to go to therapy because he didn’t think we need it.

This made me feel even more inclined to notice how appreciated and loved I feel by this other man, in a way my husband has never been capable of feeling emotionally because of his own issues.

In August I asked for a divorce and was separated for 3 months and slowly spending more time with this new man that I really do love.

BUT, when it came time to sign the separation agreement, I couldn’t seem to move forward. I felt INCREDIBLE fear, about breaking up my sons family unit, about breaking my husbands heart when I know he is so fragile, and about wondering how I would survive financially and emotionally if things with the new man didn’t pan out.

I panicked and told him I needed to try once again to make my marriage work and since being back have felt major regret. Very little has changed but I still have the same fears.

Now I know I need to end things once and for all and EVERY DAY I wake up in fear and feeling incredibly selfish.

I know Brooke says never to leave your husband/job until you’re happy. And I feel like in a lot of ways I am happy. I love my work, I love parenting with my husband, we have happy moments, but I don’t feel whole.

Thanks in advance for reading this novel. Please help me self coach.