Loving my husband even when… part 2

It’s two days since my husband shouted at my daughter in the car, after walking out of the store when she said she didn’t like his comment.  Here’s where I’m at. I notice I have been struggling between not having a manual for my husband and feeling like I am betraying my daughter, and maybe myself, in not saying more to husband.

In reflection upon yesterday morning when he came to me and asked what had upset her so much and I told him I didn’t want to have that conversation at 7am on Monday morning – it was because I knew I would be too dependent on him getting it and understanding and I wasn’t willing to put myself in that position where I knew my emotions would escalate if he didn’t.

I like that awareness. And yet, it feels like this stale mate now. Because whilst I was wanting to be affectionate with him on the day of the shouting – I felt able to because I simultaneously took the kids out of the car and felt like I spoke my values and thoughts with my actions in the moment and my husband recognized that – today I feel less like being affectionate with him because I have a manual that he shouldn’t have shouted in the first place, he should have heard her or asked her why she didn’t like his comment rather than shutdown like an emotional child and walk out of the store, and he should have since gone to her and heard what she has to say (she’s fourteen, she shouldn’t be feeling punished or unloved “he’d said he hated her, or hated what she was doing” for sharing a request to her father).

This is all something that has happened many many many times in our marriage. And until now it would have me (my thoughts would have me) raging and upset and in full victimhood. I would allow it to affect my full life. And I would blame and resent him for it. I would “threaten” divorce. In fact I told him more than once that I was moving ahead with separation – he actually found texts between my sister and me about it before I told him, so he knew I meant it – and that was when he did a 180. Until the next time.

I am not going to follow through on divorce right now.  I may do one day.  But I know today that’s not what I most want or am ready to do.  I like the work I am doing on myself.  I recognize he is also changing.  And I’m not ready.  But – I feel like I need another boundary. Less than divorce but something.

Currently like I said, it feels like stale mate. I am being pleasant with him, truly. But I am creating a little distance. He often doesn’t join us for dinner or eats something different, and whilst he’d still often sit with us after I’d tell him ours was ready, yesterday I just got on with eating with the kids. No drama. Just did that. He and my daughter weren’t talking to each other still, so why would we do any different. I had a lovely dinner with the kids and then spent a little time watching tv later with my husband.

Maybe – that is my boundary? He and I usually go for a hike on Sunday mornings. At this point (Tuesday) I could imagine saying I won’t be going for a hike this weekend. But it feels like I’m then being a petulant child. But I can’t imagine going for a hike and having everything be fine with us if at that point he still hasn’t spoken to our daughter, or apologized to any of us for shouting (again).

I guess I’m stuck. Because his regular shouting and blaming us for his shouting is beyond my values. But he knows that. And I know that. And I’m not going to ask for divorce. And I don’t want to give my power away in making a request again, that he behave differently and he and I both knowing he will until he doesn’t…

So annoying. It affects everything. EG this summer I am planning to spend 5 days away from him and the kids to visit my family whilst he and they continue for longer visiting his. Episodes like this weekend tarnish these plans for me because I can’t help but think what if it happens then and I’m not there. I know they’d figure it out. But I’m resentful that I have these things to consider.