I am trying to improve the relationship I have with my son-in-law. This relationship is actually the catalyst that brought me to coaching. I have certainly made some progress but I have this prevalent thought that my daughter has made her life so much more complicated than it should be or what I hoped it was going to be because of this choice.

I can make peace with this and believe this is what she’s supposed to be experiencing right now because she is, but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling crappy about it if that makes sense. I don’t want to constantly feel like she drew the short straw. It’s like trying to throw icing onto a **** cake. The cake still tastes like **** no matter how pretty you dress it up.

And this is where I feel like I get stuck because I certainly don’t want to continue to think this way about him but there are real issues with his behavior that I really disapprove of and don’t want to like. I understand it is better to love him because quite honestly it just feels better than to constantly feel like nothing has gone as I had wished it had for her. I know my work is learning to love a difficult person but I get hung up on accepting what is versus letting go of behavior that I disapprove of.

I’ve included a model to see if you can help me make some progress with this.

Unintentional model:
C: Son-in-law swore and yelled in front of kids
T: the girls will be negatively impacted by his behavior
F: disappointed
A: judge him, judge my daughter for not intervening, avoid him so I don’t have to witness his behavior, story fondle to my husband
R: I continue to look for evidence of how his behavior negatively impacts the girls

Intentional model:
C: Son-in-law swore and yelled in front of the kids
T: this is him and this is what he does sometimes
F: accepting (is there any feeling that would be somewhat less judgmental in this situation??)
A: don’t judge him or her (I get stuck here because again this isn’t what I think is appropriate behavior)
R: I make peace with this is who he is/this is what he does sometimes

This intentional model feels like just throwing up my hands and saying “oh well, it is what it is” and I don’t know that is what the model is intended for.

Appreciate your input in trying to move forward in a more loving way.