Making Decisions/Trusting My Thoughts

Back story – Three years ago I found out my husband had 2 brief affairs after 20 years of marriage and he said he’s watched porn throughout our whole marriage and of course I was devastated. The year or two previous to that, I had “a thought/feeling” that something was wrong but internalized and continued to work on myself as I’m a self-help junkie and always trying to be better. I’ve stayed because we have 3 kids (ages 14, 12) and it’s comfortable AND… the last 2 years I’ve lost both of my parents, so it’s been difficult to say the least.

This year I’m focusing on my truth and trying to live an authentic life. Although I have forgiven him, I’m not sure that I will ever trust/respect him as I did before the affairs. I’m not sure that I’m still in love as I was struggling before the affairs because we don’t spend much quality time together based on our busy lives. BUT…. feel it’s my responsibility to keep my family together, etc. I feel confident that if we didn’t have 3 children that I would have left the relationship.

Overall, I have a blessed life, beautiful children, wonderful home, very financially stable, etc. etc and some would think I would be crazy to leave. HOWEVER, I feel very lonely and isolated in my marriage and don’t have the love/connection that I need in my heart/soul to be happy and honestly- I think I still haven’t “accepted” the idea that my marriage could be over. I’m trying to figure out how much of the love/happiness is an inside job versus what I get from another person. I’ve been in therapy, worked on myself a lot, but still feel like it’s a daily struggle as I feel like I’m searching for the answer to be content again — stay/go? I’ve had so much loss, how do I feel whole again?

This might be too much for my first “ask the coach” but thanks for listening :):)