Making peace with a violent/abusive childhood #2


Hi again,

Thank you so much for your response regarding my question on overcoming the anger and shame I still feel due to decades of abuse and rejection by my original family.
As you suggested, I have been working on pinpointing what I am making my family members’ actions mean about me. Basically, it seems that I have interpreted their actions to mean that I am not worthy of love, that I deserved the abuse and abandonment, that something is terribly wrong with me, and that I will never be loved the way ‘others’ are.
Here are two of my my models:

# 1 (unintentional)
C = past violence and abuse and current rejection from original family members
T = I deserved it all because I am a fucking piece of shit
F = shame
A = try to prove to them I am good to get love
R = more anger and shame because I am again rejected and still do not feel loved

#2 (intentional)
C = past violence and abuse and current rejection from original family members
T = I did/do not deserve that treatment from them or anyone
F = self’-love
A = love and respect myself
R = empowerment

I actually couldn’t believe how positive the second model came out considering how much pain I have felt my entire life about their treatment of me! Exciting! (This work is truly awesome.) However, I do not BELIEVE the second model or similar ones I have done. As I create and reread my intentional models little cynical voice is telling me, ‘yeah right you piece of shit! stop trying to bullshit me into thinking fake thoughts!’ Can you please help me with some bridge thoughts? xo