I am confused about a concept. Brooke teaches us that we can not create feelings in others but I have grown up being a people pleaser and am having a hard time believing this concept. I have two examples I want to share. My boss was frustrated that nobody helps her at work and she has so much on her plate. I thought I am tired of having to deal with a frustrated boss, I am just going to pay attention to what she wants to be done and just do them. I changed my behavior and took on new tasks. My boss no longer gets frustrated that nobody is helping her, instead, she has thanked me for stepping up and helping her. I do know that she still feels frustrated at work and sometimes she thinks it’s me but I can’t change any actions to help her so I just accept that she is frustrated. But this proved to me that I can change her feelings through my actions. So I know it wasn’t me that created the change in feeling but her seeing the change in the circumstance where tasks are taken care of causing her to have a better thought. So basically I manipulated her thought that nobody is helping her and showed her I was helping her and I also changed the circumstance to where things are getting done. So this is confusing me. When I want someone to change how they show up emotionally I am looking to the thought that is causing them to feel that way and seeing if I can take any action to change that thought. But I feel I am being very manipulative here and so how do I change my belief that I can affect the emotional state of another person?
My husband had a friend come over late at night to watch a game. Normally I am tired and just go to bed. But I decided that I wanted to show up as a loving wife and I cooked them food and made sure they were left alone to have a good time. My husband was so loving towards me afterward because he said he loved how I showed up. This makes me think that in the future if I want him to be loving I can just do things he likes. Again I am trying to manipulate his emotional state.
In both situations I do want to show up as the best version of me and whether they responded the way I wanted or not I know that I am doing all I can and all I want to be the best version of me. I am not necessarily doing it to manipulate them but that’s the level I want to show up as. This makes it seem to me that if I was the best version of me as an employee and wife, my boss and husband would like me. Am I wrong? Am I just being manipulative? I am very confused by this and now wondering if I am manipulating others because I am believing a lie that I can affect the emotional state of others?