Manuals and Diagnosed Personality Disorders

Hi Brooke,

This is my first month of SCS, but I’ve been listening to your podcasts since the fall. I plan on asking for coaching on this issue, but I thought in the meantime I would ask here. I am desperately trying to change my thinking surrounding my partner’s ex-wife, who has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder AND Borderline Personality Disorder. She lives in chaos and does everything she can to force the chaos on us–alienating his children, changing pick-up times, “kidnapping” the children by refusing to cooperate with his parenting schedule, calling both of us all kinds of names to the children, dragging out court proceedings so that we cannot move forward with our plans to be married, etc.

I keep thinking that I do not want this life, this is not what I signed up for, I can’t do it anymore. But I love him and I DO want to be with him, so leaving is not what I actually want to do. On the other hand, I have to change something because I’m going insane–I am not used to (nor do I want to be used to) this kind of chaos in my life. I am a planner, a doer, I always want to be moving forward. I feel as though I cannot do so while she does the kinds of things she does without any consequence or intervention.

Here is my model from last night (one of dozens). The problem I’m finding is that I don’t believe the new thought and I don’t know how (yet) to believe it when the proof against it comes daily with her antics. I could write a novel that would sound like fiction, but you can’t make this stuff up. She is a terrible human being (I know, that’s a thought). My partner and I can’t move forward together while she is still acting the way she is, which I know is a manual, but it really is holding up my life and our life together. Any help would be so appreciated!

C: His ex-wife has NPD and BPD
T: She will never stop messing with us
F: Rage, helpless, dispair
A: Obsess about her next move, try to plan around it, argue with partner
R: She has control over me and my life

C: His ex-wife has NPD and BPD
T: She has no power over me
F: Calm, rational, peaceful
A: Stop obsessing, stop spinning, stop arguing with partner
R: She has no power over me