I heard someone say the other day that manuals about others really end up always having something to do with us. Wondering how that applies in this situation – trying to figure out why I was/usually am triggered by my perception that my boyfriend (these are a few thoughts but I pulled one for the model below): always drags his feet, is so indecisive, is bad at making decisions, always slows down our projects together because of his slow and hesitant decision making.
My C below is relatively lengthy, but I didn’t want to leave any questions unanswered.
C: Boyfriend and I are wanting to buy a leaf blower for blowing out the garage, taking with us camping to blow sticks off the camper, general use. We looked at a few on ebay last week from multiple sellers, no official decision reached at that time. A week passed – today – I asked him the question of if he happened to order it since the last time we talked about it. His answer was no he had not ordered one since the last time we looked at them. He said he is wanting to go visit the leaf blower dealer near us to test out a different brand one. Overall, he is trying to decide between two different leaf blowers. Ideally we’d order the blower in time for it to arrive before we leave for a week long camping trip next Monday. The blower will be purchased with his money, not my money. We discussed. (thought below is from after he said no he hadn’t ordered one)
T: He is so bad at making decisions.
A: Don’t show up calm, curious, gently nudging and helping him toward a decision by asking questions
A: Judge him
A: Appear visibly frustrated (not sure if this is a thing)
A: Huff and puff
A: Roll my eyes at certain things he says in the conversation
A: Wish he were different
A: Tell him what I think the decision should be/Tell him “let’s just order the one we were looking at and be done”
A: Try to offer my “opinion” but my ulterior motive is that he should just pick the one I’m saying so we can put this to rest and not drag it out
A: I try to do the deciding for him
A: I push him/hurry him/attempt to force him into making a decision without doing more research or shopping around
A: I resist the F of frustration
A: I react to the F of frustration
A: I don’t love him during this conversation
R: I make his lack of decision (on the blower ordering/in general) a problem.
R: I am unsuccessful at making decisions for him/on his behalf.
R: I am not showing up as a supportive girlfriend.
Already trying to self coach myself with some questions:
Why is frustration a problem that needs to be solved?
Can I have conversations with him and notice my F of frustration and just get curious about it rather than reacting?
Why is his indecision/perceived indecision a problem for me? (Answer: he slows down progress on projects as small as the blower but much larger in general like moving and building a house together) But even then, STILL – why I am I making this a problem?
What would happen if it were opposite day and it just WEREN’T A PROBLEM that he makes more careful, more thoroughly researched decisions after more deliberation than I would if I were buying the blower?
Why did this push my buttons? Because I hold the belief that I am very super excellent and good at decisions – similarly to Brooke – just fucking decide and GO. Especially on things that can be relatively easily returned and it is not completely life changing to buy a leaf blower and decide you want a different one.
Ultimately, I am tired of my cycle of getting frustrated whenever we have discussions about anything that requires a decision (of any size) on his behalf. I am ready to figure out what is going on here.