Manuals others have for me

Hi Coaches,
My wife and I had a huge fight last night and we aren’t talking today, same topic as always, my daughter and how I parent her. I feel like a child when she tells me what I should be doing. I react like a child and I don’t want to do that anymore.
My daughter is 19 and still living with us. I want her to stay here while she goes to school. It has always been my intention with my kids.
I’ve been working on dropping the manual for my daughter. I am trying to just love her. The problem lies with my wife. She can only see the wrong in my daughter, and she is telling me to ‘correct’ them constantly. I know my partner won’t change and I am doing a lot of work on it, but it is exhausting.
Last night, I was making a dinner for Valentine’s Day and my wife came home. She asked where my car was and I told her I lent it to my daughter to go to an evening class. It was snowing and I already was feeling nervous about letting her use the car. When my wife came home she yelled at me for letting her use it and I got mad. I didn’t try and explain my thoughts around it and she continued to yell about how I always let my daughter get away with things. All the old arguments were brought up.
I went to my room, didn’t engage the argument, but it followed me later when we were going to bed. By then I was not able to take it. It is the same argument we have all the time. The negative comments come daily from my wife about my daughter and I work hard to not react. I love my daughter and want her to feel comfortable in our home, so I am resisting somewhat. Her comments are like nails on a chalkboard.
What should I do? I just don’t how to be at peace and let my wife be who she is without feeling bad. It always explodes out one of my pores in the end.