Marriage, Divorce, Clean Pain, Dirty Pain, Arguing with Reality

I have had some very helpful coaching sessions.

I have been married for 10 yrs, with my husband for 14 years, and have two young children.

I have the idea that I need to make a new intentional model, however I believe the coaches thought I was not quite there, and I’m trying to figure that out….

One coach said: I am still judging my unintentional model… then…. I’m not sure, but understand I shouldn’t be judging it, or that judging it is not helpful? I’m not sure how to do that.
Also: “I am not my model. It’s optional. We are just noticing.”

I have been trying to figure out what happened in my marriage. thinking that either I made my husband do the actions that I didn’t like (lying, cheating – I’m not sure I want to like those actions), or that I should have recognized before I married him that he was going to be this way later.

At one point I thought I figured out how I contributed to our relationship ending, because I had thoughts such as: “He lied. He cheated. He doesn’t care about me.” and that I believed those were circumstances. I thought this was a helpful insight, now I’m not so sure.

So, my question is… if I want my R line to be to continue to have a marriage with my husband who is the father of my children and have him not cheat or lie… what can I think or believe to make that happen?

Or (since he is committed to a divorce), are some R’s not possible, and as one coach said, “You could decide that my relationship with him is perfect and wonderful. I don’t think you want to, but that is available to you.” Which means I accept the R or C that we are divorcing…

What if I don’t believe in divorce, and think I should be doing something else to get a new R?

I hope this makes some sense. thank you!