Marriage Fears

I currently have a lot of past worry and future fear in my marriage. This is all coming up around deciding to have kids and thinking about how it’a all going to turn out later in life. I have so many conflicting beliefs that I am in love with my husband, love him, like him and everything is great even when it’s not. Then my brain sees only evidence in my life in my parent examples where they were lying to themselves about what they wanted and who they chose when committing and it didn’t work out later.

It’s like I can’t control that but I’m trying to. I don’t want to do that to myself, him, my future kids. So I am picking apart everything that needs to get better about him before I get pregnant and it feels terrible. I’m checking in with myself anxiously on if I am happy, fulfilled, and feel like it’s all “right.” I don’t want to be doing it, but it’s happening constantly and I have to acknowledge it somehow because it feels like it’s just getting better. My trust with what I want vs. my fears is one of the worst mental battles I have ever had in this relationship. I do not know how to decipher 50/50 from the right one for you and constantly being haunted by someone better or different – different in that it would all be easier with and will workout later with to save the pain that comes along with denial and lies. I can’t hear myself and it’s horrible.