I have been married to my husband for 35 years. I was a stay at home mother of 4 kids, so he has been the wage earner. I’m looking for different ways to consider the relationship. He has some good traits: he’s loyal, does things around the house, he can be very loving towards me. The things I’m struggling with are: he has long standing depression, if he’s angry, he does secretive stuff like looks at porn, drinks, overeats ( he’s gained a lot of weight in the past year), he hasn’t been able to have orgasms for a year at least so sex is a mixed bag, and he hasn’t been earning near what he used to. He’s in therapy and we’ve been in therapy together for over 2 years and have made the decision to stop that for awhile because things weren’t changing, or as the therapist put it, the ways we were learning to be separate weren’t improving the relationship. I needed to establish a more differentiated life because I was enmeshed with him and was overly involved with how he was doing. I was also critical of him, a defense against how I felt about myself. What I need help with is ways to consider if I want to stay with him because the porn and drinking are things I don’t respect, and I haven’t been able to come up with a way of thinking that makes it okay for me to be with someone who’s doing those things. I don’t know how much he does either of them, or for how much of our marriage he’s done them – I think I’ve been afraid to ask, but I plan to this weekend. He tells the truth, at least I’ve considered him to be honest. He has a lot of shame and self loathing. Sounding like a great guy, right? Just loving him feels like I’m compromising my values. I’m also angry about him earning less money because it really affects my life (the therapist thinks this is complex, but one of the reasons he does this is to hurt me. There are other reasons too.) I’ve gotten good at not being critical. I’m very committed to marriage and even though my kids are grown, I don’t want them to experience divorce. It’s tempting to tell him that if the porn and drinking don’t stop, I’ll leave, and I would mean it but it seems extreme. I have loved him intensely, or that’s what I thought was happening, for a long time. Lately though, I feel dead inside, or triggered (I try not to respond if I am triggered) by the relationship. Can you offer some ways to look at this that I maybe haven’t thought of? This is my second month of SCS. Thank you.