marriage, money, and entrepreneurship

Hi! I’m having a hard time coming up with thoughts that I can believe right now about our current circumstances.

Two years ago, I did the thing Brooke says not to do 🙂 – I changed my work circumstance to feel better. I quit my full-time career job because I was miserable, and though I had an entreprenurial plan I had no other income streams at the time.

I have since done the work to realize that it wasn’t the job that made me miserable, of course! However, I’m still really dedicated to this new goal and work every day to build it. It is taking time, though, and income thus far has been minimal. I want to believe that it will grow, but right now I am not contributing financially to my family.

I should say I did all of this with the full support of my husband, who fortunately earns enough to support our family of 4.

I am (and have always been) the primary parent, and I mostly enjoy the flexibility to be available and present for my kids before and after school. Their school years are not going to last forever, so I’m trying to be present for it. 🙂 However, it has never been my intention to be a full-time stay at home wife and mother; while I know it is good for some, it is not a good fit for me.

Also, in this role, I have become the primary spender of our money. I do the grocery shopping, buy the kids’ clothes, pay for their activities (and my own), etc.

The unintentional thoughts I’ve identified about this situation include:
I should be making a regular income.
I am not an independent woman; I am dependent on my husband.
I should not spend money if I’m not making any.
I am irresponsible. I can’t provide for my family.
I am not a good role model for my kids about women and independence.
and so on…

The feelings that all of these thoughts generate are SHAME and GUILT. Lots of feelings of scarcity, too.

What I want to feel: assured, responsible, capable, independent, self-reliant…

The problem is I don’t know that I fully believe in my ability to generate future income through my current business model. I believe that it’s possible, but not for ME, because I’ve never done it before. I’m working on managing these thoughts and steering them toward the future version.

BUT even if I do believe in that future version of myself and my business, it doesn’t change the feelings of shame and guilt about our current circumstances. I am struggling to find new thoughts to believe about things as they are NOW.