Marriage Relationship

Ho Brooke,
I’ve been married for 30 years to the same man,we’ve raised 2 great adult children and a grandchild.
My husband is a good man but has bad habits( he smokes and over-drink) and it drives me crazy. Also, he is more laid back and relaxed, and not very ambitious, don’t like to talk and share his feelings, don’t like socializing with people, grumpy. I feel that he is wasting his time buffering.
He is the complete opposite to me.
I am on the other hand, social, very ambitions, self-thought, go getter, lifetime student, always learning new things, and having 100’s ideas about business…
When I’m around him, I am grumpy too and feel like I’m losing my confidence, and he is not a good influence to me.

For the last 10 years, we’ve been back and forward from separating our accounts, to separating… but still together.. He’s got much better on the communicating side but I just keep telling myself what I’ve been telling me all over again and could not change my thought because I don’t believe it.
I am working on the model trying to like my hubby more(unconditionally), not to be judgmental, let him be, etc… but I feel that my thoughts are engraved so deeply, I’ve been having them for the last 7-10 years, wondering if we should divorce or not? Feeling guilty and sorry for him that I’ll leave him after so many years together, etc. etc. I’ve been in indecision for a long time.
This year, we’ve talked again, and we’ve decided to live separately for a while, and see how we feel.. I felt great, did not miss him… he feels that we should stay together and that he supports me..
I love him as a friend, I can count on him on everything, but his lifestyle, bad habits and him not taking care of himself turn me off. I kinda of feel like his mother to him too.
I don’t know where to start from. I am not sure what questions to ask myself to get to the bottom of it. I am doing the thought download every single day, writing and writing, digging and digging but can’t find answers.
I feel like I am circling around and around at the same place, telling me the same stories.
Thank you much for your help.