Matters on love and marriage


I’m trying to decide if I should marry my boyfriend. He’s at the point where he wants to move forward. He’s an amazing human, we like being together, and we have similar goals, but I’m questioning how I can live in a monogamous relationship while we are imperfect, changing, and just different. I feel like I understand how to be friends with diverse people. I’m not the kind of person who likes to tell people how to live or who thinks it’s my way or the highway, and I want to have a soul mate and a family so it’s not that I don’t want marriage. It’s just that I’m trying to understand where I fit into a marriage and honestly a little afraid of being in one. My biggest consolation has been the sections of Love and Marriage in Kahlil Gibran’s book ‘The Prophet’ (don’t know if you’ve read it)… I’m just trying to put it into my own life.

If it helps my biggest concerns are…

I’m uninhibited he’s inhibited. I want adventure with my partner, but I’m not into the idea nor do I believe in having to convince someone to do stuff with me. A. Will he hold me back? B. Will I drive him batty? C. Do I just accept that I won’t be able to share those feelings and activities with him? Or D. do I send him to a witch doctor who makes him like new things more?… I’m just joking… also wishing that was a thing. Or E. do I just need to chill and look at all the good?

What it looks like in the model:
C- I share a crazy idea and he’s not convinced
T- He doesn’t understand me
F- Alone
A- I keep it to myself
R- I’m not as close to him

C- He doesn’t want to try something new
T- Will I just have to do all this alone? Can I find someone who would also be willing to try new things like this?
F- Frustrated and apathetic
A- Shut off
R- We become more distant

I like to talk, and re go over, and verbally process things, and talk about things even if they are irrelevant, he’s a thinker, struggles with saying how he feels, and thinks some of my conversation is not necessary. It’s not contentious, it just leaves me feeling alone but I just wonder if I just need to be with someone more open to communicating? I don’t know

What it looks like:
C- I bring something random to talk about.
T- He’s not interested.
F- Alone
A- I shut up
R- I feel sad and alone

C- I start talking about something
T- Why doesn’t he like to talk about these things I love to talk about?
F- Frusterated
A- I close off
R- Weird tension

I guess all these questions fall under how much you feel like people’s preferences are inherent or developed. I believe in both the divine within us and in the growth mindset, but I’m curious what you think. In relation to Tyler I don’t want to give up things I enjoy to do or say or feel, but I don’t want to give him up. He really is super kind and because of our differences we balance each other is some beautiful ways. But then I wonder if there is someone more suited for me. I hate even saying that because maybe none of that matters and I can just choose happiness and be done with thinking about all of this.

How do I get over all of those negative thoughts to continue a future with him where I can be elated instead of cautious and doubtful??