I’m leaving scholars at the end of the month and am now in a spin. I can’t seem to get to a place of peace or unbelieve the thoughts that are coming up around my decision:
Circumstance: Leaving scholars at end of the month
Thought: I have a habit of denying myself things that support me
Feeling: Unsupported
Action: Judge myself for my reasons for leaving scholars, try to cram in as much last minute study as possible but don’t focus because I’m coming from stress/scarcity mindset, look for past experiences that support thought: (Left therapy, went off eating protocol, withdrawn from friends), eat of protocol/ drink alcohol and tell myself it’s because i wanted to show up for a friend who is leaving town and wanted to go to an ‘unhealthy’ restaurant, judge myself, beat myself up,
Result: I’m not supporting myself and my decisions, I’m judging myself and my decisions
C – Leaving Scholars at end of the month
T – I’m ruining my last days in scholars
F – Anxious
A – try to cram in study but don’t focus, can’t sleep and struggle to concentrate, judge myself, beat myself up, think ‘what’s the point of trying to take in new information now, it’s going to be over soon, judge myself for not getting enough progress and all the things I ‘should’ have done, cry,
R – I give myself a painful experience of my last days in scholars
C – Leaving scholars at the end of this month
T – I won’t have any support once I leave scholars
F – Scared, alone
A – frantically look into other options for support, spend hours researching online things i physically don’t have the money to pay for, ruminate on how little support i have in my life, go into disaster scenarios re failing business, relationships etc without the support of SCS, over-eat and go off protocol
R – I don’t support myself in making this transition, I don’t take time to remind myself of my solid reasons for leaving and all the support I do have
C- As above
T – I’ve failed (to take care of myself/ to heal/ grow)
F – Shame
A – over-eat, renege on other life commitments, withdraw from friends and other support, judge myself
R – I don’t trust myself or my decisions, I don’t have my own back, I abandon myself and don’t prioritise my needs
