Men & Sex

I’m a sex therapist who is struggling with sex. So, number one I am judging myself for that, which I know is not helpful. I’d like to be fully allowing of my very human experiences.

Secondly, I have started to think men kinda suck (mostly just in my dating life—I enjoy working with male clients) and women are just better, but sadly I am attracted to men and not women. My issue is that men have huge egos, think they know everything, mansplain and can’t seem to see me as a whole person once they find out I am a sex therapist and/or kinky. Women (friends) are more thoughtful and considerate in general and make more of an effort to show me they care. Men seem low-effort to me.

On a recent dinner with a guy, he started mansplaining couples counseling to me and he isn’t a couples counselor and I do work with couples. I was like “Is this happening?!” I called him out on it and he actually took it decently and later on made a joke about how he didn’t do a good job with non-violent communication when he mansplained. I get that everyone is human and I am still open to getting to know him. But it felt like pressing on an open wound. I am trying to figure out how to heal this wound so I am not constantly triggered. But sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a break and men are just constantly doing dumb/hurtful things so it never gets to heal.

On dating apps, guys make the least effort possible. They literally just say “Hi.” Like what am I supposed to do with that?

Just now I posted in a biohacking whatsapp group asking about a specific mitochondria supplement and a guy DM’d me instead of replying in the group and started giving me other unsolicited health advice about fasting and cleansing and not eating meat and then brought up having a meetup about biohacking & fetish (he is also in a kink whatsapp group w me). I was like WTF?!

I feel like once I am out there with my sexuality, it’s all men can see and they always bring it back to that. It doesn’t feel like they are seeing me as a whole being anymore. I feel sad about it and notice I have become more guarded around sexuality.

What I actually want is to get to know someone gradually and have sex come up after we have established some rapport and like each other as humans first. I want someone I date to be sexually into me AND also really appreciate my other qualities at the same time. I don’t want him to presume anything about my sexuality because I am a sex therapist and just to treat me like any other woman he is dating. I also really like respect and consent. Sometimes I think how much more sex guys would get if they were more respectful and communicative about consent.

I also don’t think I should have to hide my sexuality away because men can’t handle themselves! It’s not my job to manage their horniness. But I do find myself hiding my sexuality sometimes because I don’t want to deal with the unwanted attention. I find it exhausting.

All these reasons are reasons why I am passionate about the work that I do because I know other people feel this way too. And I see the patriarchy being largely to blame and I see how men suffer too under the patriarchy. But I just want to find an evolved guy and to heal this wound so I’m not walking around angry about men & sex & the patriarchy. I sometimes wonder if this is too much to ask.