Messed up bad

I lost it and all the models went out the window. I gave up drinking. Drank. 2 months I was watching my mind but felt so sabotaged. Went to old ways and failed. Husband is constantly telling me that he thinks I am not real. The mind work he said is so fake. My happiness fake. Yes. He owns it. I am practising but am still so new. I did everything I normally did. Did not believe In myself. Yes I know it is only failure. I will get up. When you are in a marriage where someone is constantly in your head. It is hard. When your mate keeps telling you the thoughts you used to feel about yourself it is hard. I am so disappointed in myself. I believe in myself but am maybe trying to change too fast. I am the only one who believes in me and I guess this failure is ok. It is in the hard stuff we learn. I believe and want to believe but I hate failing like this. So worried about my marriage and I think in that worry I am rushing. Trying to make something work and changing habits and changing your mind is quite a balancing act. My old identity seems to be what my husbands wants and he got it last night. Need encouragement. 🙁