I’ve written a couple of times about dealing with my family and Mom’s terminal cancer and cleaning out all of the stuff. This month’s lessons couldn’t have come at a better time. Last Thursday Moms condition took a final turn for worse. She’s in hospice at the nursing home. She is comfortable, and as her social worker described it yesterday, her emotional state is “cheerfully confused.”
Some family members tell me that they “have my back” dealing with others, which tells me that “others” are pretty unhappy with my decisions. I’ve decided to just focus on the “have my back” part, because those are people who are giving me support and space all at the same time. Being able to honestly not care about the “others” opinions right now is such a gift. Thank you, friend.
The mind blown part came in this morning. I did an emotions download. I sat quietly with my feelings and I identified grief, anger, disappointment, regret, guilt and shame along with some other little jabs that I couldn’t quite identify. Of all of those feelings, only “grief” serves me. Grief is how we transition through trauma. It is a road. It serves me. It moves me along a path towards acceptance and a new life without my mom.
None of the other feelings serve me. Not a one is going to change anything. Not a one will bring me comfort or joy or peace. Having identified all of those nasty feelings and the thoughts that conjured them up, I’m now able to cope with the thought that I am going to plan and attend with all of those people who don’t “have my back” and whose actions I have used as justification for all of the feelings that don’t serve me. Those thoughts are flour and sugar, right, and the feelings those thoughts generate are just like insulin driving the hunger that will cause destructive actions and results.
Mind. Blown. Boooooom!
P.S. Now I’m going to go back and listen to the Forgiveness podcast again, because I need a refresher so that I can meet those people in love at mom’s funeral and if they come to the nursing home to say goodbye, and whether or not I ever speak to them again after the funeral is up to me, and there doesn’t have to be anger at all.