Missing my best friend’s wedding

I am seeking some coaching on this situation as I have been fixed on it for a little while now and my brain is still offering the same thoughts, even though I really want to be thinking /feeling/showing up differently! A little bit of context:

My husband and I and our 9-month-old baby were living in England, but due to the impact of the pandemic on our lives decided to relocate and settle in my home country, Australia. The Australian borders have been closed since March 2020 and only a small number of Australians are allowed entry into the country each month, with most commercial flights getting cancelled at the last minute. I went through pregnancy, childbirth, and new motherhood without my immediate family around and after months and months of paperwork for my husband’s visa, it was granted, and we are very ready to get back to Australia to start the next chapter of our lives there.

As my husband lost his job and we are currently living off our savings, we decided to come to Spain where he is from, so that we could stay with his parents while we waited to get seats on a government facilitated flight. My best friend also lives here, and a few months ago, she set a date for her wedding in mid October.

This week we finally managed to secure seats on a government repatriation flight back to my country, leaving in mid September and I am going to miss her wedding.

The thoughts/feelings that I am having around this are:

T: I am a terrible friend
F: Guilty

T: She put so much love, time, and energy into my wedding, I should be showing up for her in the same way
F: Guilty

T: I have let her down
F: Ashamed

T: I should have insisted (to my husband) that we stayed in Spain until her wedding
F: Regret

T: I should have trusted that we would have been able to get on a government flight, after her wedding.
F: Doubt (doubting my own decision)

T: She will think I don’t care
T: She will think it’s not important enough to me
F: Gutted

T: I am missing out on one of the most important celebrations of her life
F: Devasted

T: I have chosen to miss out on one of the most important celebrations of her life
F: terrible

T: I couldn’t even have the patience to wait one more month
F: awful

T: If it weren’t for these unusual circumstances, of course I would have stayed
F: frustration

T: If I had the choice to book a flight after her wedding, of course I would
F: frustration

T: Maybe she should have waited to have her wedding after the pandemic
F: frustrated

Even just writing these down makes me see how much space this has been taking up. It also shows me that these thoughts haven’t allowed me to simply feel “being disappointed.” I am genuinely really disappointed I am missing my best friend’s wedding as I obviously would have loved to be there. I am spending a lot of time going back and forth in my head over how it could have been different and not holding my own back with the decision my husband and I made.

If it weren’t for the circumstances and we could choose the date we fly back to Australia, we would obviously stay for her wedding and make it work. But it isn’t the case and there is no guarantee that government flights will be offered in the coming months.

The way that I am acting has been coming from this place of guilt. I am a bit awkward about it, but I try to talk about the wedding so that she knows it is important for me. I try to justify why I made the decision to go back (I’ve even noticed how much I am trying to justify it to myself in this post!). My brain starts to spiral with thoughts like ‘have we even made the right decision to go back to Australia’ ‘Why didn’t’ we just wait out here until the end of the year? Australia is in lockdown now – you probably won’t be able to see your family anyway and then you’ll regret coming back in September’. When I indulge in this spiral of thoughts I end up with ‘you are never going to make it in your business!’ ‘You’ll never be able to achieve your goals’.

How I want to show up:

I want to show up with love and support for myself and for her
I want to enjoy the rest of my time here in Spain with her and get excited about her wedding together
I want to trust my own decision and hold my back
I want to allow myself to feel sad and disappointed and then to let that go so that I can find a different way to contribute to her wedding
I want to trust that I made the decision that felt the best for my family and embrace this new chapter of our lives in Australia and get to work on creating our impossible goals and dreams.

Any advice you could offer on how I can move forward with this will be greatly appreciated, Scholars Coach!