Missing my mom

I haven’t spoken to my mom in two months. I miss her dearly. I’m saving to go see her since we live in different states. (More like different coasts since I live on the west coast and she lives on the east coast, literally). We have had several disagreements in the past but I love her more than infinity.

She does have a mental illness, however, that I hate with a vengeance. She isn’t the same person I once knew and it’s sad. It’s like she’s here with me physically but mentally she’s completely gone. She is under the care of a professional team who stays with her 24/7 until she can fully function on her own. If she can’t within 2 years, they may place her in a long-term care facility.

My dad is upset with my mom which I understand and since he isn’t talking to her I don’t know how she’s doing. I have no way to contact my mom or the team with her. My thought is that I can’t save money fast enough. My fiancé doesn’t think I should travel with Covid being as high as it is even with the vaccines and I also want to respect his view.

I wish that everyone could understand that my mom is just sick and needs help. It’s very frustrating for my family since a lot of mental health patients nowadays are left to the family to handle and it’s hard when the person with the mental disorder thinks that everyone is out to get them and they don’t need help so they don’t take their meds and even though the cops are called nonstop they say there’s nothing they can do unless she physically kills someone according to the law.

That was before we are where we are now: my dad filing for divorce after she tried to kill him on multiple occasions and is very promiscuous (my mom is sexually active with men other than my dad-a symptom the doctors say is part of her mental illness). I am not mad at my dad and I understand him and I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same if that happened to me but at the same time, it makes me truly sad for my mom as I feel this mental illness has completely taken over her life.

I’m not sure where to go from here. By here I am referring to now. The present moment. She’s no longer the same person. She may require long term help and if she doesn’t require long term help then she would need an in-home help team since my sister nor dad want to have anything to do with her and I can’t physically and mentally care for her and have a life of my own as well.

Since she needs 24/7 supervision due to her mental illness and knowing that violent, unexpected episodes can happen at any time is how I know that I cannot have a life (no husband, no kids, no job other than being her caregiver which I cannot financially afford to do and neither can she) of my own outside of her.

My thought around that is I’m abandoning my mom and I’m a terrible person as what type of person does that to the person who raised me and was always there for me growing up?

I’m having a difficult time processing all of my thoughts and feelings around my mom and missing her and how things are different between us now vs my childhood. All of my thoughts are about her but they are different.

Should I process the thoughts as one or all different and then how to go about the model(s) once I create them? Should I change my thoughts? Do an intentional vs unintentional model? Or just observe what my thoughts are, don’t change anything, and allow it to be there? If I don’t change anything and allow it to be there is the correct answer then how would I go about feeling sad, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, and WHY do I have to feel that way for so long?

I can’t seem to find a thought about the situation with my mom that allows me to feel at peace and from a place of love. Any advice and guidance is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.