Missing my unconsciousness in the weight maintenance

I noticed in this past months that I’ve been missing my unconsciousness. You know like in the movie The Matrix when a character wants to go back to not knowing the truth about the world?

I noticed myself missing the moments where I could eat and completely numb my emotions. I’ve even tried, and ended up gaining 5lb and it did not work to numb out. Now I have found myself trying to lose the weight for the past 8 weeks and I feel like I reached a point where I don’t want to dance like this anymore. I want so desperately to maintain my weight but whenever I get to the weight I still keep focusing on my body, my weight and how much muscle I have. I need some guidance please to understand what to work on now. Thank you 🙏