Missing out on raising my kids

My brain has latched into this ideal that I am missing out on raising my kids.

I am missing out on raising my kids because we don’t have enough money to raise them like I want to (resentment towards my husband). I am not prepared enough. I am not developed enough. I am too frustrated. I never got to discover who I was. I never got to be a kid so I am resisting being a fully engaged mother. I am not homeschooling my kids so I am missing out on raising them. I want to pursue an online career but I feel that if I throw myself into that fully that I will miss out on raising my kids.

My oldest son is 9 and I keep thinking that I am too late. Too late in making enough money to provide for them. Too late in helping my two youngest develop properly. Like I have already missed it.

I feel panicked and awful. I feel like I am turning a “blind eye” towards the situation. Like I am keeping my psychological eyes closed because I don’t want to see my children and how much I am not doing for them.

I have hesitated to take action in my business because of the thought that I am missing out on raising my kids already and taking action in my business which for sure will make me miss out on raising them. And I think what I mean by “raising them” is being present with them when I am with them.

But I find that when I am present with them that I “don’t know what to do” or when I do try to do something “it doesn’t work out” because they don’t want to do what I have planned or what I have planned turns out to be a disaster or they don’t like it and aren’t excited about it. Why try if I am always failing? If I do what they suggest I get bored and feel like I am the child and not the parent. I feel resentful that all my attempts at raising my kids the way I want turn out to be a big disaster. So I back away, distract myself. But then I feel like I am missing out on raising my kids.

I can see that my constant distraction from my kids is already putting me in a place of not being present with my kids. But I can’t seem to just let this thought go and be present with them. Or plan what I want to do with and teach my kids and be unaffected by their responses.

I think I also feel that if I am present with them and “raising them” that everything will be different. Happier, more connected, I’ll feel better about myself as a parent, and then MAYBE I can pursue my career.

I want to feel confident and connected as a mother and a career woman.