Model 5/18/20


I’m in the midst of purchasing a new vehicle but the thought ‘I should not do this and instead help my ex gf financially buy a house because I’m….. ” well I was going to say responsible for her not living here with me but I know that’s not true. I didn’t ask her to leave, she left on her own, I told her she could stay thru the summer but she’s chosen not too. She has expressed to me that I’m not doing enough to help her purchase a house but she also said that doesn’t mean money and could not articulate what exactly I should be doing to help. She later apologized and told me she was venting bottled up emotions when she dumped this all on me.

This is reminiscent of many a situation where I was to figure out what she’s thinking, determine her needs and take action. A situation that was prevalent in our former relationship.

As I wrote this my self analysis was:

1) I’m feeling responsible for her not living her and being in the situation she’s in.
– This is not true, I’m feeling responsible because of my thoughts about the situation. The truth is she’s responsible for herself and where she is.

2) I’m feeling guilty for buying this vehicle when I should be giving the money to her so that she can buy a house for her and her daughter.
– This is also not true, I’m feeling guilty because of my thoughts about buying the vehicle

C : I am in agreement to purchase a vehicle for $$
T : I should not buy this vehicle but offer to help her (financially) purchase a house
F : Guilty
A : Ruminate,
I want to say worry here because I’m worried about the conversation we’ll have when she sees that I bought this vehicle but I think that’s a separate model (worried she’ll be hurt and upset with me and not love me (this is a whole thing I’m aware of and am working on)
I think about cancelling the deal so that I can offer to help her

R: I’m struggling find the R here because I can’t tie it back to the T. The A’s are not creating the R that relates to the T. You could say the A is creating more thoughts that is resulting in more Guilt but that just feels like several iterations of the this model. I’m missing that ah ha moment where its like My A creates the R that results in my not buying the vehicle (that’s not true because the transaction takes place later this week) or my A creates the R that results in me not helping her financially.

I’m confused (my model on my model)

Thank you.