C: Dan says that the way my brain interpreted his words is different from the way his brain interpreted his words
T: I can’t do anything right
A: Tell him I feel exhausted by the conversation, tell him I was trying to be fun with him, say nevermind we don’t need to have fun, I keep compulsively checking my phone for his response, I feel a lot of pain in my body, I spend time obsessing about wanting him to like me, I make myself feel ill. I feel desire for this person who doesn’t want me back. I don’t focus on my work. I procrastinate (buffer). I criticize myself, and wonder how I’d have to change to make this work. I fantasize about what it would be like if he wanted me back. I put him on a pedestal.
R: I don’t do myself right
I want to not want him, but the truth is that I do want him, and it hurts.
C: Dan exists
T: I want to not want him
F: Some relief, also some despair
A: I feel my feelings of heartbreak, I don’t buffer, I process the emotion. I refocus on my work, I come up with a new thought to think when I check my phone “this phone is neutral”, “this device is just atoms and electricity”, I change his name in my phone to “this message is neutral” so I don’t freak out when he texts. I commit to repeating to myself before, during, and after any interaction with my phone the phrase “this phone is neutral”, or “this phone and its contents have no meaning.”
R: I begin to consider that I could want my own peace of mind more than I want him
How do I move from the “I want to not want him” thought, to the next step on the ladder? I’m curious to hear what Brooke’s ladder was for stop overdrinking.
Open to any feedback.