I’m new to scholars and I love doing the work, and doing models daily.
So, about 3 weeks ago I stopped being in a relationship with a guy I was in a long-term romantic relationship for almost 7 years. We were talking about living together; but that never seemed to happen for 2 years, so maybe it wasn’t ever going to. He was the one who initiated the break-up and explained that the reason for him leaving and us separating from each other was that we are not compatible to be together in that way, and that we are too different in our interests, goals, values but too similar in temperament which according to him is not a good thing. Also, our wants and future plans are not aligned, so he said he doesn’t want to string me along any longer and that it was fair that he spoke what he was really thinking for some time, and that it is time to go our separate ways. I’ve been doing some models on the whole situation, but since I’m quite new at it and the break-up happened recently, I’m not sure if I’m doing them correctly and I think I could use some help with that.
The first model goes like this:
C: The person I was in a relationship with (their name actually). Things he said. He initiated the break-up.
T: It was always supposed to happen this way and at this time.
A: Journaling about it. Talking to friends about the lessons I learned. Avoiding contact with him. Remembering the good times and the bad with gratitude and peace.
R: Staying apart. Seeing all the ways we were not compatible and why being on our individual journeys the best solution for both of us.
Also, a totally different one, which my frequent T-line triggers is:
C: I am no longer in a relationship with this person.
T: I have lost a special person in my life and a lot of friends I have been spending time with that I met through that person and have known and spent lots of time with for almost 7 years we were together.
F: Sadness (maybe Grief, Scarcity)
A: Crying. Not doing anything to try to make myself feel better. Being mostly passive.
R: A part of my life is gone. I lost a part of myself.
Because of these thoughts i’m having and different feelings about the situation I’m kind of conflicted because I feel that the truth is that we were never compatible but I was trying so hard to make us compatible and people please and it’s hard for me to let go and to move on now.
That same person tried to contact me once or twice after we went separate ways, but I didn’t answer the phone, so we haven’t spoken since we split. Today I had an recurring idea to call him and talk friendly, playfully and ask him how he’s been and share some positive news about a family member who got out of hospital, about work being better and about a delivery that arrived for him to my home because it was ordered 2 months ago while we were still together. I could choose to talk about that to our mutual friend who would transfer the message or even to his family member in order to avoid him, or I could talk to him directly but I am not sure what emotion is fueling that A line and therefore should I pursue that Action (to call him directly) or allow the urge to pass without acting on it in that way ( not calling, not trying to get in contact ).
So, that Action could belong to this new model, but I could use some help with the F- line, and T-line? I struggle because I don’t want to feel worse or sidetrack my recovery by making contact but I also think I want to say some nice words and share good news with him which involves making contact.
C: Contact ex boyfriend by a phone call.
T: I’m afraid he will forget about me pretty fast, so I should remind him of me and my fun side?
T: I choose to be kind and show gratitude for him as a person even though we are no longer romantically involved.
Could lead to:
A: Call that person and ask how he’s been doing, be playful and appreciative, and tell him some good news that concern him and could be helpful.
R: I’m the kind of person who stays on good terms with past romantic partners. So it’s ok to talk to him and be friendly it doesn’t have to mean anything other than a kind gesture. No agenda.
Thank you in advance,
I appreciate the help!