I’m doing my Impossible Goal of weight loss. I noticed that I am on edge this evening because my boyfriend isn’t texting me, and I feel this sense of uncertainty and free fall and I don’t like. I have a model about this model that I feel like is almost a pre-urge.

I start to feel unstable, like “if I wake up in the morning and my weight hasn’t gone down, f*ck it.” I start to feel like I can’t handle one more thing, and if one more thing goes wrong, I’m gonna just eff it. I’m trying not to mix my models, and appreciate feedback.

C Boyfriend not sending me text message
T Everything is falling apart
F Resistance
A Buffer with social media, get in fights with people on Reddit, don’t focus on planning protocol for tomorrow, don’t plan my week, just buffer with social media.
R I don’t manage my mind or my calendar, and I set my self up for things to “fall apart”

Then, I have a model about this model.

C Feeling of pressure and resistance
T I can’t handle it if the scale is not down tomorrow
F Resistance / anxiety / pre-urge
A Buffer with social media, bit nails, worry about what I’ll do with my time if I’m not on a diet rollercoaster all the time, don’t plan protocol, don’t clean up, don’t meditate, don’t peacefully sleep. Wear myself out mentally.
R I don’t set myself up for success, and set myself up to not be mentally ready to “handle it”

There’s actually just so many thoughts about “boyfriend not texting me” I can’t do models on them all. But they seem to loop on each other and wear me down, to the point where a “f*ck it” seems to become a valid option. The thought “I can’t take it anymore” happens, and this precedes a binge.

I’m willing to do a ladder, but I’m not really sure which thought to even start with. My thought download is a bunch of “what ifs”, which just sends me into a spiral, which, I guess I’m resisting, and I know I can’t resist forever. I get to the point where I can’t resist anymore, and I binge or something. I’m just seeing it in advance right now. I’m just not sure which intentional thought to even go after.

Maybe it’s something to do with the feeling. It’s safe to feel this? Or I am fully capable of feeling this emotion? Or, it’s possible that I can feel this emotion?

C Feelings of resistance
T It’s possible that I can feel this emotion without acting out
F Hopeful
A
R

I’m not too sure. I feel like my models here are quite mixed and I’m not sure how to un-mix them. I keep having thoughts about emotions and thoughts about thoughts.

Feedback is appreciated.