Model help-finding a neutral thought to think


Good morning coaches,

My current model is
Circumstance-my mom
Thought- I am thriving in my life by doing the opposite of what she did with her life
Feeling guilty
Action: cry, not productive
Result: nothing gets done

I’ve also done this model
Circumstance-my mom
Thought- my mom’s downfalls have helped me
Feeling- grateful
Actions-crying
Results-nothing gets done

A little backstory is my mom has a mental illness that has taken over her and before that a lot of people in our family manipulated her and I feel sorry for her that happened and that she didn’t realize it sooner. I recently found out my dad made twice as much a year than my mom always said and they always fought about money.

Come to find out, for the past 35 years she was giving her father and brother half of my dads income to support them not working because they didn’t want to. They said they couldn’t due to back problems but I believe that’s a lie because they were always doing things in their lives that required use of their backs and never complained.

She also gave away to anyone who asked her everything they wanted that we had and her reason was because it’s the godly thing to do. While I believe in God myself I do not think God would want me to give to others when I cannot take care of myself first and that is where my mom and I differ. She never saved any money for her retirement because she thinks I am supposed to take care of her. I do not agree as she is a danger to herself and others with her mental illness.

It breaks my heart that everyone she helped all the years have turned their necks on her as soon as she stopped giving. As well as that she didn’t save any money for herself. My mission in my life is to save for my retirement so that I don’t have to depend on anyone but my money to help me once I get older in life. I am having a hard time finding a neutral thought to think about my mom where I can stop crying and feeling sorry for her. I thought for sure feeling grateful would work but I still find myself crying. Any help you can provide me is greatly appreciated.