I have become more aware of the great number of “shoulds” that I have been carrying around in my brain. Particularly the thought that I should be further along than I am at this moment. At my age (almost 60 yrs) I feel like I should be making more money, I should have my own home by now, I should be more advanced in my career, I should have more savings and I shouldn’t be paying rent. So I have this beginning level of awareness, which is good, since it caused me to avoid repeating behaviors that would not serve me.
For example a few weeks ago I starting hunting for property, then realized the thought that was driving me to do that which was I ‘shouldn’t’ still be paying rent at my age, or I had been paying rent for a long enough period, and so I backed away from trying to buy a house or the land to build upon. Then I had another thought that I ‘should’ have my own office for when I start my own business after retiring at the end of this year. I realized this was another ‘should’ so I backed away from signing a lease and incurring a new substantial debt or expense. Then, again, have a project of renovating an apartment so that I can put it on the market to rent. I came very close to accepting a loan offer made by my bank in a marketing campaign so that I could have the renovations completed in a short period of time (a matter of weeks), but again realized that I would be repeating my cycle of debt which I keep trying to get out of.
So I notice two things: (1) the feeling that I should have the things already, and (2) the fact that I want them now. I see I am really challenged with waiting or delayed gratification.
I tried to do an unintentional model but I got stuck on what to put in the R line, so I would like some help with this. I also need help on what thoughts I can go to and help for creating an intentional model to move past this situation of just being aware, but not moving forward.
Unintentional Model
C – Paying rent
T – I should own my own home by now
F – Bad, ashamed
A – House-hunting, not taking action on my new business
R – Not sure what goes here?