Last week I lost my job. I had some advance notice, so I was (more or less) financially and emotionally prepared for this change. I’ve decided not to immediately look for a new job because I want to take some time to think about what I really want in my next job. I want to enjoy a few months’ break to focus on me. I’ve rarely taken time for myself in my adult life.

I have a history of trying to always be “productive” and have a reluctance to constrain to 1-2 goals.  A good friend called me out on this recently, asking why I don’t allow myself at least 2 weeks to grieve the change and re-adjust rather than rushing into “doing stuff”. With this background, I’m having some trouble with my intentional model, and hoping to get your insights.

UM
C – I am not working right now but have childcare; 9-6 on weekdays is time I can focus on whatever I choose
T – there are so many things I want to do with my life, I don’t know where to begin
F – confusion
A – spin lists of possibilities in my head, but don’t write them down
– avoid committing to a single project
– “consume” lots of media (scholars, books, podcasts, games, news) in the name of “exploring my interests”
– think/daydream about what I could be achieving, but don’t take action
– I used Monday Hour One to create a schedule, but remain indecisive about what to focus on during “focus time”
– indulge alternately in confusion, overwhelm, and guilt (for not having a solid plan)
– remind myself of how I made a grand plan of projects for my last maternity leave and didn’t get much accomplished
R – I don’t begin, so I don’t accomplish much with my life or my time

IM
C – same as above
T – ???
F – unstoppable
A – make and prioritize a list of goals/projects
– take focused action toward goals
– continue to use Monday Hour One, and successfully use focus time to advance goals
– run models and get coaching session on how to let go of guilt for “not doing more/everything” that I dream of doing
– make a decision on whether to take a “vacation/rest” period to reset before taking on new goals
R – ?? I’m having some trouble here, because I want to accomplish big things, but I also want to be okay with not trying to move mountains in the next 3 months, so maybe something like: “I accomplish what I commit to do, and I am at peace with what I’ve chosen NOT to focus on right now”

I’ve been trying on several thoughts, but I find that they’re either leading me to go back in the direction of trying to do all the things, all at once (ie “I am capable of doing big and hard things”). OR they’re bringing up a fear that I’ll be a sloth on the couch and have nothing to show for my time at the end of the summer (ie “I deserve this time for me”).

Do you have suggestions on how to clean up my IM?