Hi Brooke,

First, thank you very much for the model on “Kid’s homework”. It’s soo super helpful. I need help with another and model.

The first person I picked to do this month’s work on was my ex-husband. In the past when we were still married, he expected me to put him above everything else and when I didn’t, he would do and say things to make me feel guilty, much like throwing a tantrum, and would lecture me for hours about what I did wrong. Anyway, it’s been three years since we separated and two years divorced. The current status of our relationship in my mind is that We are not in a bad relationship and hating each other, but it’s better to keep a distance and not have much to do with him.

In this month’s homework, I decided that I wanted to show up as who I am (when he’s not around), which is funny, calm, and grounded. What I decided I could offer to him was to provide a still and silent space for him to act out and behave as he does.

Well, after a recent incident, I’m not sure that’s still what I wanted to offer, and I’d like your advice and help me see clearly or do a model.

Here’s the situation: He came over to visit the kids, he stayed into late evenings and had a virtual meeting with his staff. He was doing the meeting on the patio outside and was almost shouting. I told him to come inside because it was too loud. It’s a breach of the apartment building’s body corporate’s by-law to cause loud noise especially at night and I could be fined $500, and he was already aware of this. At the time, he sighed deeply and covered his face in frustration and annoyance, and after I asked him three times, he finally came inside into one of the rooms. After his meeting, he left without saying a word. But texted me the following:

C: He texted, “You made me awkward and embarrassed in front of my key staff during a meeting. You should feel guilty.”
T: I’m not responsible for his feelings. When is he ever going to stop blaming me for his problems? I don’t deserve the blame.
F: Annoyed.
A: I texted back, “I’m setting a boundary now – if you make work calls or meetings in my place, I will ask you to leave.”
R: ??
I don’t know if he would respect that boundary. And my second question is if he violates this boundary, and I ask him to leave, what if he does not leave?

Is there an intentional model that can help me?
Thank you Brooke!