Oooo my. I’ve been having just a cluster of thoughts with the main feelings of anger, angst, discomfort, pain… basically, just spinning since a huge fight with my mom, which brought up past thoughts of resentment.
After some time, the anger has subsided. I would like to think that I allowed myself to just sit with the feeling. I’ve wanted to make amends with my mom, but after this particular outburst, I wasn’t there yet.
After a lot of reflection and thought work, I think I am at the point where I can meet with her again and talk with her and be genuinely open and feel love towards her.
If anything, this particular conflict has opened my eyes to parts of myself that I would like to work on and has since gotten the ball rolling on that end.
Below are some models that I wrote down. I’m new to Scholars, so I appreciate the feedback on my models and thought work.
C: my mom
T: I can decide to let go of all resentments of the past.
A: I make the decision to let go. I work on letting go and opening my heart to my mom.
R: I move on from past resentments. I try to heal my relationship with my mom.
C: My IM above
T: But it’s hard!
A: I start imagining how my mom will react negatively to my apology… I imagine how she will say that I always blow up at her, and I make it mean something about me and possibly get into another fight with her. I perpetuate the violent communication and family trauma.
R: I continue to have a difficult relationship with my mom.
C: The Constant Vibration of Anger and Perpetuating Unintentional Models over the past three days since our fight.
T: I’m tired of feeling angry. I’m tired of this difficult relationship with my mom and how it makes me feel.
F: Determined / Resolved
A: I listen to Pema Chodron “Don’t Bite The Hook”. I listen to Brooke’s TLCS podcast about love and relationships. I seek answers and examples in Ask a Coach. I buy and schedule a 45-minute coaching session to work through my hang-ups. I dig into the “How To Feel Better” modules. I come to the realization that I have an anger problem… that anger is a habit with me… that it is possible to change that habit… and that I don’t want to live my life being angry anymore. I come to the conclusion that unconditional love is the answer. I visualize how I will apologize to my mother for my behavior and how I will open up my heart to anything that she has to say (or not say) because it is well-intentioned and that I know deep inside that she loves me in the way that she has the capacity and programming to love. I can decide and choose to see that.
R: I wake up (per se) to a better relationship with my mother.
C: My mother says words about me.
T: I can be the one to break the chains of perpetuating violent communication.
A: I seek out resources to learn how to practice patience and non-violent communication. I believe in myself that I can practice this with my mom. I practice doing so with my mom with however she communicates with me.
R: I communicate non-violently.