Hi! I am currently in the coach certification program–loving it and learning so much!
Today one of my classmates and I did some practice coaching on each other and wanted to specifically focus on the R line because it is still a little elusive to us at times–at least how to tie it directly back to the T . (To clarify-the result of how the thought is effecting them is apparent, but being able to use some of the words of the thought or restate the thought in the R is not as apparent to us with some particular types of thoughts.)
We had one come up today that I want to throw out there and see what your thoughts around the R line would be:
C-Stacy’s mom sends her this text: “Nicole won’t pay Natalie the extra rent!”
T-I wish everybody else would quit telling me what to do with my daughters.
A-texted mom back in a way she (Stacy) normally wouldn’t have; stewed about the situation; ruminated; thought about calling and yelling at her girls, but refrained, “gossiped” about everyone in the situation with her husband, withdrew from interacting with her mom, did not have a conversation with her mom about the overarching situation, did not have a conversation with her aunt about the overarching situation/continued to avoid talking about it with the key players.
So, obviously one of the results here is that Stacy isn’t showing up with her family members (the ones in the situation) the way she wants…but we were struggling using the words from the thought line to create the result line–to tie it there.
And we also know that the result, while it totally could be true, it still cannot be “people are still telling her what to do with her daughters” because then we are insinuating that HER actions are what are causing OTHER people’s behavior and if she just had a different thought, feeling and action that “people would quit telling her what to do with her daughters”– which is getting all into other people’s models. We can’t control them, so that can’t be linked in that way, right? The Result can’t insinuate someone else’s behavior is a result of our own action line. (In other words, we can’t use the exact words of the thought to be the result. Also, If I’m misunderstanding this concept, please help clarify)
So…then, in an effort to come up with something where we used the words of the thought line, but that was a clean R and linked only to her (not other peoples’ behavior models), we went first with:
R-her actions are putting her in a state where she doesn’t have power to even “tell herself what to do” (i.e. think clearly) because she is fueled from anger, and therefore can’t show up the way she would if she weren’t in an anger state.
Then, we thought:
R-her actions are causing her to want “to tell [everybody else] what to do.” (control them) And we know that we can’t control how other people behave, so this is probably a result that isn’t serving her.
So we think perhaps those last two R’s would work, but would really like some feedback on how you would tie the R back to the T if this were a model you were working with.
Thanks so much for your thoughts on this!