Please see my follow-up thought work to my original model question in the RESPONSE areas below:
C: My husband said “You don’t have to do stupid shit” (reference making oatmeal)
T: He is insulting me again
A: I said “I will wait ’til you are finished what you are doing” stopped what I was doing and went into the other room. Had feeling of crying come up. Stopped it because it is not helpful. Started to do model
R: ___________________ ? Did not make it a problem.
When it’s not clear what the result is, a good place to start is cleaning up and adding to the action line.
In this particular model, you might review the feeling line too. Sometimes we *think* our thoughts and *think* how they would feel, but when we try them on, that’s not actually the feeling that gets generated. Go into your body to see what feeling comes up when you think “he is insulting me again.” Is it frustration? Is it something else?
It really is hurt The first emotion is anger, then frustration, and then hurt. Other times, I fight back with statements defending myself. This creates a back and forth and drama and goes in an unhealthy direction. The biggest action is crying. When my husband starts to say more, I wait and don’t say anything
Once you clear up the feeling, beef up the action line. In your model here, it looks like you might be listing actions that come from a different thought and feeling. Stay in the unintentional model and explore everything you do, don’t do, all your actions, inactions, and reactions. List how you start talking about yourself, and your husband, to yourself.
I am talking about myself and my husband with a combination of “I am confident he is wrong” and “I wish he would quit doing this,” “I don’t deserve to be talked to like this,” and “It is not helpful.”
Deeper thoughts? I evaluate cutting through all his statements and try to understand how he might be telling me something I do not know or teaching me something even though I don’t believe this because I did not ask for his help. I did not think I was doing anything incorrectly. He is controlling. He is treating me like a child. He may be wrong or right in his statements. Most of the time when he makes these statements they just are not true because my INTENT comes from a loving, confident place. Not false confidence.
It feels like he is saying that I should know better and that I am careless and don’t care and that I am not aware of how stupid I was to do such a thing. All these statements I know are his manual about what he wants me to do or knows how he wants to do the task. He gets frustrated and angry if I do not listen or do what he wants me to do. It felt that he was acting out again when we are both in the kitchen and he gets frustrated with there being no room and getting in each other’s way.
By telling this story to create awareness, I see that I might have a mixed model. This happens to me. Brooke has said that after a while of doing models we can interrupt them to get a result that comes from a healthier intentional model.
When do I really need to go through the unintentional model so thoroughly again and again?
With more included in your action line, what result becomes apparent?
Staying with the hurt unintentional model, the result could have been me feeling bad about myself crying.
Going with the intentional (mixed side) model the result: I did not make it a problem.