Dear Brooke,
I have been in SCS since the beginning. #1 reason is to lose weight and that applying all I’ve learned from you is going well.
Another big topic I’d like to work on is improving my relationship and my family’s relationship with my eldest daughter, who is 15.
Some context:
She was diagnosed with ADD 3 years ago and has been on medication for 4 months, which has helped with her focus and schoolwork, but not with her inhibition. She has two younger siblings – 13 and 11, and mostly gets into negative interactions with her 11 year old brother and I’m constantly having to discipline her or use a flat, unemotional tone so that I don’t yell out of frustration. Thankfully, my husband and I have a solid, loving relationship and are on the same page when it comes to parenting.
I’ve been doing models throughout my time in SCS to try to improve the dynamic on my own, but I’m not making progress. It’s frustrating as she is our oldest and exerts influence over the others because of that position.
I do realize May’s topic is relationships (and I’m so excited about that, especially to work on this dynamic), but I would rather not wait a minute longer. I’ve applied much of the work since January on figuring out how best to handle this situation, but I’m hoping some guidance from you will set me off in the right direction.
Some of my models:
unintentional
1A
C “Jenny” is our 15 year old daughter who has ADD
T She is mostly an ungrateful, disrespectful, immature, mean sister and daughter
F Anger, sad, discouraged
A Use an unemotional tone when speaking with her. As repercussions for poor behavior, take away her technology and other privileges
R She continues to mostly be disrespectful, resentful and mean. We have a poor relationship.
1B
C “Jenny” is our 15 year old daughter who has ADD
T She has ADD and that makes it more challenging for her to control her emotions and act mature
F empathetic, neutral
A listen without interruption when she complains, be non-judgmental, calm. Provide clear boundaries and repercussions when they are crossed.
R ? (I haven’t noticed an improved result with this tactic)
unintentional
2A
C Family went on vacation. Jenny and sister playing board game with a friend. Jenny yells at sister – “you’re a cheater, your cheating”
T She always has problems with people, and doesn’t realize she is mostly the problem.
F frustration, anger
A listen, don’t believe her
R She feels dismissed, like I don’t believe her.
intentional
2B
C Family went on vacation. Jenny and sister playing board game with a friend. Jenny yells at sister – “you’re a cheater, your cheating” (she was not cheating)
T Jenny has ADD and because of that has a hard time controlling her emotions
F empathetic
A Listen, help coach her how to express herself appropriately
R Overtime she internalizes better ways to express herself
Questions:
1) I’d like to get to a place of feeling Love in my model, but it’s a big leap from where I am now. Can you help me create an intentional model for how to get to the feeling Love in general? Also, is there another one I can use mostly when she exhibits specific behaviors that are a challenge?
2) re: teaching her the model – I know you have had a coach tweak your program for use with children. I find that some teenagers likely need a different approach because any “direct” instruction from me will be met with disdain and dismissiveness. Do you have some suggested, more subtle wording to use for teens who haven’t grown up with hearing the wisdom of your work? I’d love her to internalize some of these learnings.
PS I recently listened to the podcast “How to be more likable” and would love to have her listen to it, but I think that direct approach would not be received well.
I’m hoping the above info is helpful. If you need me to send you other models or on specific behaviors, I can do that.
