Models – adult child (possibly) lying

Hi there,

I joined scholars last month and loved time management. So helpful.

This month, day 2, already lots of challenges for me re. relationships! I have a feeling I may be here on Ask Brooke a bunch 🙂

I just did the day 2 work and one of my thoughts on the 2nd part of the page, “think about what you would be thinking and feeling if they did all these things perfectly” was that I would be able to trust one of my kids. This particular daughter has a history of lying. That’s a circumstance – she acknowledges it. It seemed like we had moved past that, but lately she’s been saying things that don’t add up. I want to trust her. I know that that to trust her, my action needs to be to simply trust her, right? I’m having a hard time getting there model-wise.

Unintentional model:
C: E. says words
T: that doesn’t make sense
F: suspicious
A: worry about what she’s up to
R: stress, distrust, negativity

OK, so as I write that, I see that I could actually ASK her about what I find not making sense, with curiosity. I guess I feel like there’s historically been so much conflict on this honesty topic, that I don’t want to go there again (even though I already am in my mind, I suppose.) Do I need an alternate model to address my not talking with her about what she’s telling me?

If I stick to the unintentional model above, I’m having trouble getting the result I want of trusting her.

Intentional Model:
C: E. says words
T: ?? I can’t know the truth and don’t need to know the truth
F: self-focused (in a good way, meaning not on her and what’s her business)
A: don’t pay so much attention to analyzing her words
R: don’t worry and am impartial about trusting her or not, non-issue

I don’t know if this works for me. I should say that this child is 20, so truly her business is not my own, though I really struggle with that transition to seeing her as an adult because I’m still her mom and want the best for her. Maybe that’s at the heart of all of this. Should I run models on having a more adult relationship than parent-child? UGH, so much thought chaos!

Greatly appreciate your help!