Models for someone else or something else?

Context: I have a toddler. My boyfriend thinks that when she has a huge tantrum that the appropriate thing to do is tell her “that’s enough” in a yelling voice because it helps her see that this is unacceptable behavior and she learns to not do it again. After you yell, you then say sorry and make sure they understand why that behavior wasn’t ok. He also thinks it creates a stronger bond with a person to do this.

I disagree. Does yelling at someone show respect to them. No. Never. Maybe this works with coaching (in sports) older kids, 6 + but not for a 3 year old who has underdeveloped emotions. I use a curious approach and help her understand things so that the tantrum doesn’t even happen OR if it is happening I acknowledge her feelings until she calms down.

We had a conversation about this, he criticized my parenting approach and told me that I was going to raise her to be a sheep instead of a leader. Then he apologized and we agreed that we would do more research about each other’s approach.

Where I’m struggling now. When I use tools in my parenting approach like using a timer to go to bed, he doesn’t always consistently back me up – my toddler will follow directions, but he will come in and try to keep playing. I will then remind them that it’s bedtime, but because he does this she doesn’t know who to listen to.

Then a day later he will tell me that I’m being tense.

If I think: there are so many good things he does for us and I’m not going to focus on what frustrates me, then I just deal with what’s happening. It doesn’t change the problem of my toddler not knowing who to listen to or of him telling me what I feel (tense/crabby) in front of her. Sometimes I don’t feel this way, he just thinks I am.

How do you not create a model for someone else when what they are doing is impacting your circumstance? I can think differently about the circumstance and I do, but it doesn’t change the issue that’s happening — which I think is, my toddler not knowing if she should listen to me, longer bedtimes with bigger tantrums, and my toddler seeing him project his view of how I’m showing up onto me. I hope this makes sense. Thanks!